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Dave, John and Sam were involved in a horrific car accident in which all three
died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter came up to them and
said,

‘You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around
heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds and will have your transport
chosen accordingly’

Saint Peter looked at Dave.
‘You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you
will drive around heaven in an old, beat-up Soda.’

Next Saint Peter looked at John.
‘You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this
you will forever travel through heaven in a Lade station wagon.’

Saint Peter finally looked at Sam.
‘You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex before marriage and
you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven
in a Ferrari.’

A short time later, John and Dave pulled their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and
there he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying.

‘What’s wrong Sam?’ they asked. ‘You got the Ferrari. You’re set forever. Why
so down?’

Sam looked up ever so slowly, opened his mouth and cried,
‘I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.’

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost
the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get
to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He
promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his
credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address,
etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the
hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike
to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he
won big.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of
the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who
should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but
his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was
down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the
guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for
a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the
reply. “And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?”

“What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab.” The businessman got into
the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend
at the back of the line, he got in and asked, “How much for a
ride to the airport?”

The cabbie replied, “fifteen bucks.”

The businessman said, “OK” and off they went. Then, as they
drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a
big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

You Know You’re Getting Older When…

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven’t been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You’re still chasing women but can’t remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is “25 Years Ago Today…”
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You’re startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they
have sex the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the
bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked
the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the
masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his
wife “What’s up with all the notes?”, to his wife which replies, “Well, not
everyone is as cheap as you are.”