Author: admin

Super Market Checkout

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A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she’d die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “Thumbtacks.”

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

Bad day for a screenwriter

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A screenwriter comes home to a burned-down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” he asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I barely made it out of the house alive…”

“Wait! Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”

Windows 98 Source Code

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/* TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code Project: Chicago(tm) Projected release-date: Summer 1998 */

#include “win31.h”

#include “win95.h”

#include “evenmore.h”

#include “oldstuff.h”

#include “billrulz.h”

#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; void main()

{ while(!CRASHED)

{ display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message(); do_nothing_loop();

if (first_time_installation)

{ make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop(); totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); hang_system(); } write_something(anything); display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)

{ display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); basically_run_windows_3.1(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop();

}

}

if (detect_cache()) disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())

{ set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); }

/* printf(“Welcome to Windows 3.11”); */

/* printf(“Welcome to Windows 95”); */

printf(“Welcome to Windows 98”);

if (system_ok())

{ bsod(random_err()); crash(to_dos_prompt); } else system_memory = open(“a:swp0001.swp”, O_CREATE); while(something)

{ sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); }

create_general_protection_fault(); }

New Viagra Product Lines!

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With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and “little” accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
—————————————-

The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as available in men’s rooms everywhere.

In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing the following drugs intended primarily for women:

NagAgra – Causes Women not to nag their spouse.

HonydewAgra – Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance instead of just writing things down.

InformAgra – Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they have made that involve said spouse.

Butt-outAgra – Causes women not to pry into the personal lives of others and mind their own business.

PersonalAgra – Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with aquaintances of their spouse

SportAgra – Makes women understand the male need for consuming large quantities of fermented beverages while watching contact sports.

Cindi CrawfordAgra – Need I say more?

Hold the chickens

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One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his farm.

He stopped at the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said: “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Hey thanks!” the farmer said and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked: “Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?”

The farmer said: “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road. Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley; we’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady said: “How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The farmer said: “Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

The lady said: “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the chickens….”

Submitted by calamjo
Editted by curtis

2 Canadian Guys

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Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tiles, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea,” said Mike.”We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.””What, do you think I’m stupid? I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.””What, do you think I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”