Q. One day a blonde walked into an electronics store and went to the cashier and asked “may I please buy that t.v. over there”and the cashier said “no because your blonde.” So she went home and dyed her hair black and went back to the store and asked the cashier again if she could by the t.v. and he again said no because your blonde. she thought “how does he know I am blonde.” so she went home and dyed her hair brown, and red and the same thing happened. she came back the next day with her hair blonde and asked the cashier how did you know that i was blonde when i dyed my hair all of those colors and the cashier said~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A. “because that is not a t.v. thats a microwave.”
Author: admin
Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole
Is awarded to:
Bobby
In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete
asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard
to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and other during your
lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all
concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status,
JUST BE YOURSELF!
Godzilla
Yo mamma is soo fat she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.
Yo mama so fat…
Yo mama is so fat that when she walks by the TV, you miss three TV shows.
Tech Support “Classics!”
Customer: “Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left.
It’s defective!”
Tech Support: “You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.”
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)
****************
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,
“Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this “yellow” construction paper?”
*******************
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer’s tech support number, complaining about the error message: “Can’t find the printer.”
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn’t find it! (YEE-HAW!)
*****************
Customer: “Hello? I’m trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, ‘No Carrier,’ on my screen. What’s wrong?”
*****************
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer.” (Training stresses that we are “not the Soft-ware Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”
Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”
Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”
Customer:(proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it’?”
Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”
Customer: “After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?”
******************
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.
A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, “Leave me alone!”
They both jumped back, silenced. “What the . . . ” the teacher said.
I typed, “I said leave me alone!”
The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!”
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: “Don’t touch me!”
Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”
Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
***************
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing “A:” and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn’t type the “dot over dot thingie” and that every time he tried to type the “dot over dot thingie” he kept getting the “dot over comma thingie” no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of
the key.
When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.
*****************
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an “Access Denied” message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: “OK, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters.” Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”
****************
Email from a friend: “CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?”
****************
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, “It’s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”
****************
George and god
Seventy-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Doctor Smith said,
‘George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with your God?’
George replied,
‘God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, poof, the light goes on when I pee and then, poof, the light goes off when I’m done.’
‘Wow,’ commented Doctor
Smith, ‘that’s incredible!’
A little later in the day Doctor Smith called George’s wife. ‘Thelma,’ he said, ‘George is just fine. Physically he’s great.
But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the toilet and then, poof, the light goes off?’
Thelma exclaimed, ‘That old fool. He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!’
Difference
Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany’s best
comedian?
A: Only the first one can make you smile.
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?A: When Hillary leaves town.
Save it for later
A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue
of a nude male. “What is that?” asked the child pointing to the penis.
� Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie,” replied the mother.
� I want one,” said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter’s
attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. “I want one
just like that,” she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, “If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it
now, when you grow up, you will have one�.
� And if I’m bad?” asked the little one.
� Then,” answered the mother, “You will have many.”
Things In Football That Sound Dirty — But Aren’t
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It’s a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He’s got great hands.
Duck hunter
A duck hunter killed four ducks. He put them into his bag and began to walk home.
The game warden stopped him and said, “So, your a duck hunter?”
“Yes sir, I am”
The warden sticks his thumb up the first duck’s ass and says, ” This duck is from New York, do you have a New York hunting licence?”
The hunter replies, “Yes I do.” and he shows it.
The warden checks the other ducks, the same way, and says, “My, my, you have ducks from NY, VT, CT and NH! Where are you from?”
The hunter turns around, bends over and pulls down his pants, and says, “I don’t know…why don’t you tell me?”
Burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?”
The bird promptly answered, “Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller “Jesus”!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis