Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
Author: admin
Monkey Driver
A hillbilly cop was driving along, when he came across this
massive car crash. Both cars were totalled, and it was clear all
the occupants had been killed. The cop approached the wrecks,
and a monkey clambers out. “If only you could talk.” mutters the
cop. Suddenly, the monkey nods its its head! “You can understand
me?” asked the hillbilly.
“Yes.” nods the monkey.
“What were you’re owners doin’, boy?”
“Drinking.” montions the monkey.
“They was drinkin’ alcohol?” says the cop.
“And smoking” motions the monkey.
“And smokin’ marij-uana?”
The monkey nods.
“Geez, say the cop, and what were you doin’?”
The monkey motions “Driving!”
Q. What’s the difference between roast…
Q. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Burnt offering
Two men were down at the pub talking.
The first man said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible !”
The second man says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God!”
“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”
“Easy, every night she places a burnt offering before me!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Helen Keller
Why did Helen Keller go insane?
She tried to read a stucco wall.
Golden Wedding
A couple were celebrating their Golden Wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of the long and happy marriage.
‘Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,’ explained the husband. ‘We visited the Grand Canyon and took at trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, “That’s once.” We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone half a mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife took her little Derringer pistol out of her pocket and shot the mule.
�I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, “That’s once.”�
IBM: You can buy better,
IBM: You can buy better, but you can’t pay more.
Man, I’m Glad I’m A Man
Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don’t wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I’m glad I’m a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don’t take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail I don’t buy a lot of shoes just because they’re on sale I don’t apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I’m glad I’m a man
Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I’d never leave the house
I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date I don’t play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot’s always dry I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don’t mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t take a pill, I don’t use Massengill Man, I’m glad I’m a man
Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin’ Man, I’m glad I’m a man
Top Ten Worst Pick Up Lines at MIT…
Top Ten Worst Pick Up Lines at MIT
- Do you really think I’m as sexy as Mr. Spock?
- I think the electricity between you and me is throwing off the
experiment. - I like your Maxwell’s Equations t-shirt. I’d like it even better
on my bedroom floor. - I’ll see what I can do about your grade. (TA’s only)
- You know what they say about the size of man’s calculator.
- I make excellent use of my hard drive.
- I hear the junior physics laboratory is gorgeous by moonlight.
- I always carry protection –You never know when a pen might leak.
- Hey baby, what’s your sine?
- I don’t need your number, I’ll just finger you later.
Union Plumbers
A plumber was called to woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
“That was my husband,” she said, putting down the phone. “He’s on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time?”
Sex Survey
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
“Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under ‘Frequency of Intercourse you wrote ‘Three times a week and your wife ‘Three times a night.”
“Well, that’s right,” replied the husband, “but that’s only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house.”
Message in a bottle
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. “Due to lack of maintenance,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”