Author: admin

A mafia king is lying on his sick bed when he calls in one of his godsons.
“Mikey, get over here,” he says, “before I go, I gotta ask you to do me
one favor.” “Yes, godfather, anything you ask me I’ll do, I worship you
more than anything!”

“OK!” says the old man, “I want you to go to the bathroom and jerk off!”
Feeling uneasy the boy says, “I don’t know, it is embarassing.” The
old man says, “Who raised you as if you were my kid huh, you can’t do it
for me?” The youngster agrees and does the deed, he comes back and says,
“OK I did it.” The old man says, “One more request, do it again!” The
boy looks and says, “Why? I just did?” The old man says, “Who gave you
money, clothes, girls, huh? you can’t do this little thing for me?” The
boy agrees and goes to do it. He comes back sweating and says “OK,
done!” “One last request, do it one last time! ” says the old man. “I
don’t understand, why?” says the boy. “Don’t ask, Can’t you grant a dying
man his last wish?” The boy goes and does it again, he comes back
crawling, barely able to talk, “OK I did it again, but please no more, I
got no more left! “Good!” says the old man, he hands him car keys and
says, “Now drive to the airport and pick up my daughter!”

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says “Did you know you were speeding back there.”The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns to his wife and said “He said I was speeding.” The officer then said “Where are you from?”The man replied “Chicago”The wife then says “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns to his wife and said, “He wanted to know where we came from.”The officer then said “Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.”The lady then says “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns back and says “He says he thinks he knows you.”

1. Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3.Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’. 10. Only in America… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, “Have ye seen Mulligan
lately, Pat?”

Pat said, “Well, I have and I haven’t.”

His friend asked, “Shure, and what d’ye mean by that?”

Pat said, “It’s like this, y’see…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
another…it was neither of us.”

It was really tough work being an Apostle of Jesus. Can you imagine the hours? What if you wanted a day off? So you call up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s Sermon…….what ……..say that again, you say I’m cured?”