Q: How do you kill a blonde ?
A: Stick a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool
Author: admin
The Bus Bench
There were three guys waiting for a bus on a bench when the first guy farts,
‘WHOOOSSHHHHH….’
No one brought attention to it. Then suddenly the second guy farts,
‘WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH……..’
Again, no one thought anything of it until the third guy let one,
‘PPPPPPPPUUUUUUHHHHHHHH…’
The first two guys then looked at the third guy and simultaneously said, “STRAIGHT.”
NEW COMPANY POLICIES – ALL EMPLOYEES MUST READ!
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To
have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to keep the
job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose
names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with
‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it
will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In
extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. In writing,
both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there is
now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door
will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better
understand their paychecks:
Gross pay $1,212.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.91
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.24
Tic-Tacs $2.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $1.98
Stadium tax $2.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $7.00
FICA $81.88
TGIF Fund $9.95
Life insurance $7.85
Health insurance $17.23
Dental insurance $5.50
Mental insurance $5.33
Disability $3.50
Ability $1.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $16.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $1.32
Desk rental $14.32
Union dues $25.85
Union don’ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $28.13
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $14.09
Various $8.01
========================
Net Take Home Pay $6.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation’s, consternation’s, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
Your Boss
Well trained and brave
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks:”So how are your men?””Very well trained, General. McKenzie.””I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.””Well, my men are very brave, too.””I’d like to see that.”So Marshall calls private Cooper and says:”Private Cooper! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!””Are you fucking crazy? It’d kill me, you asshole! I’m out of here!”As private Cooper ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: “You see? You have to be pretty damn brave to talk like that to a general.”
Evil Genie
There are three guys enjoying a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting them each one wish. Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it and says, “O.K., if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.
The mermaid says, “Done!”
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I.Q.”
And the mermaid replies, “Done!”
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping scientists in various fields. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintiple my I.Q.”
The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change other people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you would reconsider.
The guy replies, “No, I want to increase my I.Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t know what your asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe…won’t you ask for something else..a million dollars, anything?”
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it’s usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done!”
And with that, he became a woman!
Three Surgeons
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients.
The first surgeon said, “I like artists. When you cut them open,
they are awash with color inside.”
The second one said, “I much prefer engineers. When you cut them
open everything is orderly and numbered.”
“nonsense,” said the third doctor. “The easiest are attorneys.
They hace only two parts: their ass and their mouth and those
are interchangeable.”
Roman Catholic
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A Roman Catholic
Yo mama is so old
Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Hit Television Shows in Iraq
“Husseinfeld”
“Mad About Everything”
“U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
“Suddenly Sanctions”
“Allah McBeal”
“Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest”
“Matima Loves Chachi”
“The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
“Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs”
“Wheel of Fortune and Terror”
“Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
“Achmed’s Creek”
“The Price is Right If Saddam Says It’s Right”
“M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
“Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses”
“Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque”
“When Kurds Attack”
“Just Shoot Me”
“My Two Baghdads”
“Diagnosis Heresy”
“Everybody Loves Saddam Or He’ll Have Them Shot”
“Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things”
“Totally Clothed Baywatch”
Floating voters
Have you heard the elections in South East Asia have all been cancelled.
Some problem with floating voters they said.
Lessons from Comp 4
I recently finished up teaching Comp 4, the computer literacy course here at UNC, during a compressed summer session. Comp 4 is an introductory class that assumes NO knowledge of computers among its students, and believe me when I say that this was often the case. The class was great fun to teach, and one of the facets that made it interesting (day-in and day-out) was the wealth of new knowledge that the students imparted to me on tests and examinations. I thought that I’d share some of these nuggets with you. My comments are in the standard C delimiters (/* and */). *Your* comments are encouraged. Here goes: Bacchus invented FORTRAN. /* I knew FORTRAN was old, and that it may have been designed under the influence of alcohol, but… */ There are three kinds of program statements: sequence, repetition, and seduction. There are two types of graphics: vector and rascal. /* Otay… */ Programming languages have specifictions. /* Obviously this student has dealt with a few standards. */ Macs are compatible with each other. /* Imagine the alternative: “What’s your Mac’s serial number? We’ll go back to the warehouse and get your software.” */ Doctors use computers to create a three demential picture of a person’s brain. /* Is this classic, or what? */ One kind of a hostile computer program is a Trojan. C is a logical programming language. /* */ Heuristics (from the French heure, “hour”) limit the amount of time spent executing something. [When using heuristics] it shouldn’t take longer than an hour to do something. /* An absolutely terrific “false cognate”. */ Having the computer automatically fill in images for animation is called “spleening”. /* Derivation: most likely “splines” + “tweening”. */ One method of computer security is a phone line. /* She qualified it later by adding, “You have to know the number.” */ Video games are examples of fault-tolerant systems.On one test, I gave the students some abbreviations and asked them to tell me what they stood for. You won’t believe the creativity of a student in a test situation. For example, one of the abbreviations was “fax”, which *really* stands for “facsimile”. However, various Comp 4’ers said it stood for: Fiber-optic Aided Xeroxing Frequency Automatic X-rays/* and my favorite… */ Fast A** Xeroxing The students also had to hand in term papers, and these were rife with interesting tidbits. I’ve clipped a few, quoted verbatim: “The worst thing the Mac has to offer, is that cooperative multitasking is not available to be used.” “… footnotes present an interesting problem, which may be solvable by Hypercad.” /* I assume the last term is the newest rage — a free-form database for designers. */ “…Linda, a blind girl, was able to attend public school due to the aid of a speaking computer that taught her the basic fundmamentals [sic] of grammar and spelling.” /* Linda may want to lend her computer out… */ “The program is manufactured by Quantel, a Silicon Valley company located in Clearwater, Florida.” /* A *long* valley, as my roommate put it. */ “At the beginning of each season [Edwin] Moses teats himself on computerized weight machines…” /* Ouch! */
Why did they stop doing the “WAVE” at BYU?
Too many blondes were drowning.