Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Author: admin
Mother in law jokes
I know a mother-in-law who sleeps in her spectacles, the better to see her son-in-law suffer in her dreams. – Attributed to Ernest Coquelin However much you dislike you mother-in-law you must not set fire to her. – Ernest Wild Distrust all mothers-in-law. They are completely unscrupulous in what they say in court. The wife’s mother is always more prejudiced against the husband than even the most ill-treated wife. If I had my way, I am afraid I would abolish mothers-in-law entirely. – Sir Geoffrey Wrangham Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law. Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law. Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law. Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-Law’s Day occurs less than one week before Halloween? My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She’s fine. But, the dog died. Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pool with crocodiles. The crocodiles are yours, so you save them. A pharmacist tells a customer: In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn’t enough. Mother to daughter: Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law. A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, ”Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric.” The husband replied, ”How about a chair?!?” The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front step. She said ”Can I stay here for a few days?” I said: ”Sure you can.” and shut the door in her face. I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I’ve developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
Two bumble bees ran into each other one evening….
Two bumble bees ran into each other one evening. They hadn’t seen each other
in quite some time.
“Hey you look great!” said the first.
“Thanks.”
“I mean you look really great. Your black band are nice and dark,
your yellow stripes are bright and clean. What’s your secret?”
“I’ve taken to hanging out at Bar Mitzvah’s. They have lots of great
flowers, it’s the best source of pollen I’ve ever seen.”
“What’s that on your head?”
“It’s a yamalke, I don’t want them to think I’m a WASP.”
We won’t know
A couple who were having trouble having a baby went to see a doctor. The
doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which
worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the
nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, “Is it a boy or a
girl?” – “We won’t know until it comes down off the light fixtures.”
You think the blood on
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
Pulled over.
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
“What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”
The officer wanting to be sure so he asked “Please step out of the car and show me.”
So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they’re giving now!”
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What is the blonde’s highest ambition in life?A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Va Samuel al Banco Israelita
Va Samuel al Banco Israelita y se acerca al cajero.
“Buenos d�as Samuel”, lo saluda el cajero atentamente.
“Buenos d�as. Vengo a sacar un cr�dito de un dolar.”
“�Un dolar? Pero Samuel, le retiro esa cifra de cualquiera de sus cuentas o inversiones y solucionado el problema.”
“No… yo quiero un d�lar de cr�dito a pagar en un mes. Si no da cr�dito Samuel retira inversi�n, retira dinero, retira joyas, retira todo.”
“Pero no Samuel, no es para tanto, si usted quiere el cr�dito se lo damos.” (y le acerca los papeles para que los firme).
“�Cu�nto es inter�s?”
“3% Mensual.”
“Est� bien, pero quiero dejar en garant�a de pago mi BMW.”
“No Samuel, no es necesario, con sus cuentas es m�s que suficiente.”
“Si no deja mi BMW de garant�a, retira inversi�n, retira dinero, retira joyas, retira todo.”
“Est� bien Samuel, puede dejar su BMW en garant�a en la b�veda del Banco hasta dentro de 30 d�as.”
“�Perfecto!”
Vuelve Samuel a su casa y le dice a su esposa:
“�Ruthie, Ruthie, ya podemos tener vacaciones tranquilos, consegu� estacionamiento por $1,03 el mes completo!”
On Enmity Between Races
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a coke.”
(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)
“No problem,” said the Jew. “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew’s shoe and spit in it.
The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, “That looks good. Think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our peoples … this hatred … this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes!?!”
You’re just asking for too much
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her — knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man.The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: “Just so you know — I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.”
More Pick Up Lines
1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
2. You can forget about going to heaven because it’s sin to look that good.
3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don’t you just come along peacefully?
4. I envy your lipstick.
5. I just want to be loved – is that so wrong?
6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi – I’ve just gotta have it.
7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I’m here after.
8. If I had eleven roses and you, I’d have a dozen.
9. Baby, you look so sweet you’re giving me a cavity.
10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?
11. I’d even marry your dog just to be related to you.
Breaking the Mold
When they made you, they broke the mold. Then, they found the moldmaker,
dragged him out into the street, and shot him. Repeatedly.