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Politically Correct Alphabet

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A is an activist itching to fight.

B is a beast with its animal rights.

C was a cripple (now differently abled).

D is a Drunk who is “liquor-enabled.”

E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.

F was a Forrester, now staffing McDonald’s.

G is a Glutton who says he’s “food-centered.”

H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.

I is an “Ism” (you’d better believe it).

J is a Jingoist – love it or leave it!

K is a Kettle the pot can’t call black.

L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.

M is a Mindset with bias galore.

N was a Negro, but not anymore.

O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.

P is the Patriarchy (see “O” above).

Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.

R is the Reasoning done by a mob.

S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.

T is a Teapot that’s brewing a tempest.

U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.

V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.

W is for “Woman,” however it’s spelled.

X is a chromosome we share in our cells.

Y is a Yogi for the easily led.

Z is a Zombie, the differently dead

Things you’ll NEVER hear one woman say to another

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That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping
my husband company while I go for a swim?

Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I’ll go
introduce myself!

His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I’m
happy for them both.

If he doesn’t let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.

I’m sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned
waiter with a heart of gold any day!

We’re redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him
with the color choices!

He talks our relationship to death! It’s making me crazy!

Why

I just realized — my butt doesn’t look fat in this — my butt *is* fat!

Sudden Change In Fashion

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious,” begged the man, “how long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

The Top 15 Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect

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15> It seems pretty far-fetched to classify a 7-Eleven as an “enemy stronghold.”

14> Amount of new messages always seems to increase just after dinner at a local Chinese restaurant.

13> The person calling into headquarters claims to be “Major Dick,” then breaks down giggling.

12> They’ve just proudly informed you that they’re closing in on Saddam Hussein.

11> “It appears to be the work of Ali al-Plisskin.” “Al-Plisskin? I thought he was dead!”

10> Field maneuvers identification manual AHG-412, “Ass vs. Hole in Ground: Distinguishing Characteristics,” clocks in at over 400 pages.

9> The latest report from Afghanistan: Osama bin Laden is hiding in the conservatory with a candlestick.

8> The map of Iraq you’ve been handed shows a large orc settlement just north of Baghdad.

7> Sealed dossier clearly marked “CONFIDENTIAL,” “CLASSIFIED,” “FOR YOUR EYES ONLY,” “SWAK” and “XOXOXO.”

6> The CIA just obtained a purchase order for 500 pair of flame-retardant pants.

5> Latest high-definition satellite photos of the insurgent stronghold Samarra show clearly-defined subdivisions of Main Street, Fantasyland, Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Frontierland and New Orleans Square.

4> They report “increased dental chatter” during periods of very cold weather.

3> Recon photos of alleged foreign operative “Jaylo Butay” are regularly found in insecure locations such as bathrooms and barracks.

2> Hidden somewhere in every report: “olin-Cay owell-Pay is an ussy-pay.”

1> The latest U.N. weapons inspectors’ discovery confirms military intelligence’s worst fear: oxymoronium.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Cuatro hormiguitas se reunieron en

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Cuatro hormiguitas se reunieron en un ba�o para elegir el sitio donde dormir.

Una dice: “mira, t� te vas a la ducha, t� a la toalla y yo me ir� al inodoro �Listo?”

Al otro d�a, le preguntaron a la de la ducha:

“�C�mo dormiste?”

“No pude dormir, me mojaron, me echaron agua caliente y agua fr�a”.

Le preguntaron a la de la toalla y esta respondi�:

“Tampoco pude dormir, me tiraron al suelo, se secaron conmigo y me mojaron”.

Le preguntaron al la del inodoro y ella dijo:

“Yo peor, hubo truenos, rel�mpagos y si no fuera por los tronquitos me ahogo”.

Wedding practical joke

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Do you already have a child?During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, “If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace…” have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, “Daddy, daddy.” I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.

Medical Mistatements

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The following statements were found on patient’s charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we’re afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

  • “The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”
  • “The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.”
  • “Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.”
  • “The skin was moist and dry.”
  • “The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”
  • “She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.”
  • “The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”
  • “I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”
  • “The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.”
  • “Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.”
  • “Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”
  • “She is numb from her toes down.”
  • “Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.”
  • “While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.”
  • “Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.”
  • “When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.”
  • “Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.”

A lawyer’s dog, running about

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A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, ”if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

”Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, ”Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents read ”Consultation: $25.00.”

Want Ads- Illiterate?

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1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

11. Dinner Special — Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.00

12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

17. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

18. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

21. Man, honest. Will take anything.

22. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

25. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

26. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

27. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

28. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

29. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

30. Free Beer!!. Tomorrow!

Jack And Jill

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Jack and Jill have been married for many years they have gone up
and tumbled down that very hill for many years too. One day Jill
started to go up the hill by herself and while Jack was going up
she would tumble down by herself. Jack got really frustrated and
decided to confront Jill about something he had discovered, he
said,

Jill I know you have been cheating on me with Fill, thats why
you keep going up that hill without me.

Jill turns to Jack and says, Thats not why i stopped going up
the hill with you Jack.

Jack: It is’nt?

Jill: no no no silly, its just that Fill said he could only bear
to take so much of you during the days that he coudnt possibly
take you in the nights too.

The encahnted forest

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three man walk into a enchanted forest they have lost there way when they come apon a mysterious man he offers them a place to stay in corners of their eyes they see a beautiful wemon undressing and like all men we know what they were thinking but the mysteriuos man tells them accept one exception they must nott have intercourse with his daughter,he tells them there will be deadly conques if they do so they all say ok them go to there huts where they will spen the night.
when they all wake up in the moring the mysterious man tells them all to pull down there pants,because he had inserted a razor blade in his daughter pussy,so the first man pulls down his pants and he had scartched up dick so he shot him 2nd man same thing when third man pulled down his pants nothing was wrong.so the mysteriuos man said good what would like for breakfas he replied cccccccccccccccccccccccoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnfllllllakkkkkkkkes for he had ate her out incase u didnt get it