Doctor Bumblings!

Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Ugliest man in the world

One day, Hercules, Snow White and the Quasimoto (Hunchback of
Notre Dame) were standing around talking.

Hercules spoke up and said, “I bet I am the strongest man in the
world.” Snow White then looked around and said, “Well I bet that
I am the most beautiful person in the world.” Then Quasimoto
looks around and quietly said, “I suppose that I am the ugliest
man in the world.”

An old man who had been listening in on there conversation said,
“There is a psychic on top of that hill up there, why don’t you
each go in there and ask her yourself?” The three friends agreed
and they hiked to the top of the hill.

Hercules went in first and came out a few minutes later and
said, “I was right, I am the strongest man in the world.” Snow
White went in next. She came out a few minutes later and said,
“I was also right, I am the most beautiful person in the world.”
Finally it was Quasimoto’s turn. He went in and after a few
minutes he came out scratching his head. He looks up at his
friends and said, “Who is Dennis Rodman?”

The Top 15 Celebrity-Written Books Whose Titles Would Invite Lawsuits

15> O.J. Simpson — “Okay, Fine, I Killed the Bitch. Happy?”

14> Dick Cheney — “Oil the President’s Men”

13> Kid Rock — “Marshall Is Right: His Moms Is a Stupid Bitch”

12> Madonna — “Britney Could Sure Use a Pack o’ Them Breath Strips!”

11> Pat Sajak — “Game Show Personalities I Vanna Nail”

10> Michael Moore — “I Distort, You Deride”

9> The Menendez Brothers — “Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut, Sometimes You Don’t”

8> Jerry Rice — “Commitment to Excellence, My Ass”

7> Justin Timberlake — “I Banged Britney: My Big Book of Incriminating Pictures”

6> Jeffrey Dahmer — “Finger Lickin’ Good Recipes”

5> Chris White — “My Brilliant Original Humor Formats, and How David Letterman, Jack Handey and Those Bastards at the Onion Stole Them From Me”

4> Kobe Bryant — “Lying Hos and the Big Fat Lies They Lie-Lie-Lie About”

3> Lisa Marie Presley — “Blowing Bubbles With the King of Pop”

2> John Travolta — “101 Unspeakably Evil Yet Very Effective Brain-Washing Techniques Successfully Used on Me by Those Scientology Weasels”

1> Nicole Kidman — “Of *Course* He’s Gay”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Note from Teacher

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.”

So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.

– First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…

So unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

– Ok, now take off my skirt…

And he takes off her skirt.

– Now take off my bra…

Which he does.

– And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.

And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

“Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!”

three guyz on a building

a russian,a mexican,and an american are on the roof of a
building the russian takes a drink of his vodka and throws it
off, the mexican asks why he did that he said theres too much of
that in our country. the mexican takes a drink of his taquila
and throws it over the building.the american asks why he did
that he said theres too much of that in our country. the
american takes a drink of his budweiser and walks over to the
mexican and throws him of the building.the russian asks why he
did that he said theres too much of them in our contry.

There are two gay men one go’s to the refrigrater…

There are two gay men one go’s to the refrigrater to get a drink when he go back to the room the man says were is the condom he said i must have droped it he go’s back and a child is playing with it he say give me my “twinky” the child said no the man said i’ll give you 10 dollars the child said no he said i’ll give you 20 dollars he said no the went up to a 100 dollars and the child finally gave it to him the child went home and the childs mother says were did you get all that money he said sold a man a twinky but the trick is on him cus i ate all the cream filling.

Yo Momma JokesGalore!

Yo mama so stupid she got a peep hole in a glass door.
Yo mama so stupid she thought an aspiration was butt sweat.
Yo mama so stupid she looks at a can of juice for days ’cause it says concentrate.
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
Yo mama so stupid she hears it’s chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!.
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama so stupid that she ran into an automatic sliding door.
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to drown a fish.
Yo mama so stupid she asked you “What is the number for 911”
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so stupid she thought an elevator was a mobile home.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so stupid that under “Education” on her job application, she put “Hooked on Phonics.”
Yo mama so stupid she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
Yo mama so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course.
Yo mama so stupid she couldn’t read an audio book.
Yo mama so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying “Hi! Hitler”.
Yo mama so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.
Yo mama so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.
Yo mama so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said “guess” so she said levi’s.
Yo mama so stupid when she walked into Walgreens she said, “These walls ain’t green!!”
Yo mama so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled “were’s my gumball.”
Yo mama so stupid that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!
Yo mama so stupid she brought toilet paper to a crap game.
Yo mama so stupid she asked for a price check at the $.99 store.
Yo mama so stupid she walked into an antique store and said what’s new!
Yo mama so stupid she saw a sign that said “WET FLOOR”, So she did.
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Cross Breed

Question: What do you get if you cross a Rotweiler with a
Labrador puppy?

Answer: A dog that scares the shit out of you, then runs away
with the toilet roll.

Question: What do you get if you cross a pimp with a mailman?

Answer: A whole street full of affairs.

Question: What do you get if you cross Einstien and a Family
Councselling advisor.

Answer: someone who gives people advice on relative theories.
(that last 1 is shit but my inner geek finds something funny
bout it)

Question: Why is it not a good idea to cross pokemon with porn
stars.

Answer: Would you enjoy little animals tryin to hit on you?

Armless Man

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?” The bartender quickly replied, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”