Attractive Housekeeper

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.”

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom”

Old Old Bones

Some tourists at Chicago’s Field Museum of Natural were marveling at their large collection of dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replied, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” said the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answered, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!”

Baseball in heaven

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond. ‘Bob is that you?’ Earl asked. ‘Of course it me,’ Bob replied. ‘This is unbelievable!’ Earl exclaimed. ‘So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?’ ‘Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?’ ‘Tell me the good news first.’ ‘Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.’ ‘Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?’ ‘You’re pitching tomorrow night.’

Bush Wants The Whole World

(instrumental intro)
Bush wants the whole world… in his hand.
Bush wants the whole wide world… in his hand.
Bush wants the whole world… in his hand.
Bush wants the whole world in his hand.
Bush wants a war for his father, understand?
Bush wants a war for his father, understand?
Bush wants a war for his father, understand?
Bush wants the whole world in his hand.
Bush wants to jail resisters, in his land.
Bush wants to jail resisters, in his land.
Bush wants to jail resisters, in his land.
Bush wants the whole world in his hand.
Bush wants to steal Iraq’s oil … from their land.
Bush wants to steal Iraq’s oil … from their land.
Bush wants to steal Iraq’s oil … from their land.
Bush wants the whole world in his hand.
Bush wants a world empire; dissent banned.
Bush wants a world empire; dissent banned.
Bush wants a world empire; dissent banned.
Bush wants the whole world in his hand.
Ignored the whole world for their stand.
Ignored the whole wide world for their stand.
Ignored the whole world for their stand.
Bush wants his war, just like he planned.

Knock Knock 54

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Duane!
Duane who?
Duane the bath, I’m dwowning!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dummy!
Dummy who?
Dummy a favour and go away!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dunce!
Dunce who?
Dunce-ay another word!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dustin Hoffman!
Dustin Hoffman who?
Dustin Hoffman welcome mat for you!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dwayne!
Dwayne who?
Dwayne in Spain falls mainly on the plain…!

Singing Frog

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink”, says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”

“Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

A New Priest

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary’s, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail mary’s.

So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary’s and he’s on his way.

The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the “old man” gives for a wank behind a bush.

The two boys reply, “A can of Coke and a Mars Bar.”

What happens to the holes

What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten? If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn’t it become squozen? Why is there only one Monopolies commission? Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn’t it be easier to just hire taller dancers? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Elementary Banana

“Good evening ladies”, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

“Do you know them?” Dr. Watson asked.

“No”, Holmes replied, “I’ve never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.”

“Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?”

“Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.”

“The prostitute”, he continued, “grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.”

“Amazing!” Watson exclaimed. “But how did you know the third was a newlywed?”

“Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.”

Gas Service

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

The Blond Guy

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.

“Everyone turned and stared at the blond’s wife.

…………are you ready for it?………………..

“Hey, don’t look at me,” she said, “He makes his own lunch.”