Bad Party

After the annual office christmas party blowout, john woke up with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening. after a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way
downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “louise,” he moaned,
“tell me what went on last night. was it as bad as i think?” “even worse,” she
assured him in her most scornful one. “you made a complete ass of yourself,
succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the
chairman of the company to his face.” “he’s an arrogant, self-important prick,
piss on him!” “you did. all over his suit, ” louise informed him. “and he fired
you.” “well, f*** him,” said john. “i did. you’re back at work on monday.”

For swallowing her little brother!

Ma Bell will now be adding a new tax to Clinton’s telephone – a luxary tax!

Little Caesers is changing their name to “Little Pleasers” and with every
pizza ordered you get a big cigar!

Monica is opening a pizza parlor and calling it the Home Of The Pizza Slut!

Clinton’s new anti-tobacco message: “Don’t put that cigar in your mouth, you
don’t know where it has been!!”

Do you know what BITCH means?
Bill’s In Trouble Call Hillary!

They finally found proper grounds for impeaching President Clinton. They found
out the cigar was a Cuban.

Just recently Monica applied to be a Doctor, but she was quickly denied after
they found out that she had sucked as an intern!

For those of you who are interested in the REAL reason that Ken Starr and the
Republicans are out to get Bill Clinton, it is because: The Republicans are
jealous of the sexual activities of the DEMOCRATS. After all, who ever heard of
a GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT!

Did you hear that Chelsea is suing Monica?
For swallowing her little brother!

A rogue guide dog has

A rogue guide dog has been destroyed after leading four of its blind owners
to their deaths.

Charity workers were last night facing an investigation into how
four-year-old Labrador Gamer was allowed to continue his murderous spree.
Officials have admitted how:

  • Victim Nunmber 1 was dragged under the wheels of a bus.
  • Victim Nunmber 2 drowned when she was led off the end of a pier.
  • Victim Nunmber 3 was shoved into the path of a speeding train.
  • Victim Nunmber 4 was left stranded as a truck mowed him down.

Trainer Rudi Jones, 48, told newsmen in South Africa:
“He was basically a good dog who needed brushing up on his skills.It’s so
sad that he had to be put down.”

Gamer’s terror trail began with the death of 43-year-old Selmer Draznower
from Johannesburg. Witnesses told how Gamer dragged his master under the
wheels of an approaching bus before scampering off.

Amazingly, Gamer was then given to 68-year-old Wilma Hassamore who survived
just three months after his arrival. Gamer decided to cut short her
seaside holiday by leading her off the end of a pier. The dog pulled back
at the last second but Wilma plunged into the sea and drowned.

Next was Marvin Wurtenheim, 28, who thought his prayers had been answered
when Gamer arrived. But the misguided mutt butted Marvin off a railway
platform.

Unbelievably, the dog was then given to retired Clarence MacDuff, 67, also
from Johannesburg. As Gamer was guiding the unlucky Clarence to his doctor,
the hapless hound dragged him under the wheels of a delivery truck.

A spokesman for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association, in Durban, South
Africa, said: “We had no choice but to have him put down.”

Last night, the chief trainer for Britain’s Guide Dogs For The Blind
Association, Bob Steele, said: “This could never happen here. If there are
any doubts about the animal, it is dropped from our training programme at
once.”

The Top 14 Surprises in “You’ve Got Mail”

14. Tom’s love “poems” consist entirely of references to Star Trek, Dr. Who, and Dungeons & Dragons.

13. Linda Tripp stars as Meg Ryan’s backstabbing friend — but Meg picks her as her bridesmaid anyway because standing next to Linda makes Meg look really, really, really good.

12. Tom Hanks gets PantyCam on the first date!

11. Planned rendezvous falls apart when a panic-stricken Tom Hanks deletes Meg’s email promising “Good Times” in the subject.

10. Every time Tom sends Meg an email joke, those bastards at Top5 pop up and demand credit.

9. Poignant ending with Tom Hanks committing suicide after getting busy signals for three straight days.

8. Tom & Meg meet in court during class action lawsuit against Disney and Microsoft for that trip they promised 13,000 people.

7. Overheard at the cyberdeli: “I’ll download what she’s downloading.”

6. Paramedics called when Meg’s butt gets stuck in the scanner.

5. Touching scene in which Ryan and Hanks finally meet high atop the Empire State Building: Ryan turns out to be Wilfred Brimley and Hanks turns out to be Pauly Shore — yet by this time, they’re so in love that physical looks don’t even matter!

4. Chinese translation of title: “I Love You On-Line; I Hate You in Person.”

3. Not all viruses are transmitted via modem: “You’ve got an STD”

2. Meg is startled to learn that Tom is just a pasty-skinned, socially maladjusted 12-year-old geek, not the virile, hunky Top 5 List contributor he claimed to be.

1. Tom Hanks’ first-ever nude scene: You’ve Got Breasts!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]