A guys occupation is to stick his cocupation into a womens ventalation to increase the worlds population.i learnt this of a board of education so if you want a demonstration just lay down!!
Author: admin
Mental Health
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline……” If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and we will transfer your call to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever. If you are blonde don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
Russian Export Rules
Seems this Russian wine exporter was trying to get his product past a bureaucrat who insisted on a payoff. The bureaucrat quoted a figure of $10,000 to let the shipment past his checkpoint. The exporter replied that the price seemed a little high — as for only $2000 he could have the bureacrat killed. The wine made it thru just fine.
The hunter
A hunter went hunting for a gorilla. He brought three axes. He threw one axe but the gorilla caught it. Then he threw another axe. But the gorilla caught it. Then he threw the third axe. But he missed. But why and how did the gorilla die?
The gorilla beat himself with the axes!
The Truth about Relationships – a man’s view…
The Truth about Relationships – a man’s view
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your
farts in until she leaves the room; she’s a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell
her so; you’re so sweet and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners
like a fine port.
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotized
by Loving; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex
is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a
great ass.
Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.
1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don’t mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day
with your mates, and that you’ve taken recreational drugs but those days are
well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash
and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to
accept that you’re just being you.
2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to
reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting
on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odor.
Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head
under the covers. You think it’s hilarious.
3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and
interesting views about politics, and her unemployed ‘girl’- friend Amanda is
a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After: Aunty Jane is a loudmouthed, pain-in-the-ass fascist with all the
personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn’t
mind doing her if the opportunity arose.
4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You fuck
to impress, using all your tricks — your renowned tit grope, marathon oral
sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Sex four times a day is not
uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have
sex, you think about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her
life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with
interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn’t
involve you. What’s more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to
concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, “Are
you listening to me?” becomes an evening mantra.
6. Overall evaluation
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive,
loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her
previous relationships ….. but she suspects that you’re full of shit.
After: She knows you’re full of shit!
The Duck Hunt
One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.
The Warden said “Hey Sir,what ya huntin?”
The man said “Ducks.”
The Warden said “Did ya have any luck?”
He said “Got 3.”
The Warden said “Let Me see them.” The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt,smelled it and said “This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?”
The Man gave him the stamp.
The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said “Kentuky duck, got a stamp?”
The man gave him the stamp.
The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said “Canada duck. Stamp?”
The man gave him the stamp.
Then the Warden said “Where you from anyway?”
The man pulled down his pants and said “You’re the expert, you tell me!”
Bad Taste
A guy opens his packed lunch that his wife made for him that morning. He takes a bite of the sandwich and immediately spits it out cursing. Straight away he phones his wife asking, “What was in that sandwich you gave me?”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because it was disgusting.” he answers. “What was in it?”
“Crab Paste.” she says.
“Well I have never had anything that tasted that awful before. Where did you get it from?”
“The Pharmacy.” she answers
Spaghetti
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon.
Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary’s pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant.
Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!”
The waiter says, “Can I help you, sir?”
Gary yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!”
The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair.”
Gary says, “Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Bird Brained
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and
Sean says to Paddy; “Dat”s Dem”. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can
help.
“Yeah, we”ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere”, says Mick,
“Put dem in a pepper bag”
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get
into Mick”s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.
“Dis looks loike a grand place”, says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and
jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a
few seconds followed by a loud “Splat!”
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
“Focket Dat,” Paddy says, “dis budgie jumpin” is too dangerous for me…”
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is
carrying the familiar ”pepper bag”.
Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand
Seamus is carrying a gun.
“Watch this Paddy” he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot”s
head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean”s mashed remains at
the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “An” oim never troyin” that parrotshooting
oider…”
After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and
walks up with his ”pepper bag”.
Dan pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds
its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
“For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus
parrotshooting and now you fockin” hengliding…”
Last winter, George W. Bush
Last winter, George W. Bush wanted to go ice fishing, so after gathering up
all of the equipment, he headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting
comfy on his stool, he started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens, a voice boomed, ”THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
Startled, George moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate
and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, ”THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
This time, he was quite scared, so George moved to the far end of the ice and
started another hole.
Once again the voice said, ”THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
The very scared, very shook up, “leader of the free world” raised his head and
trembled, ”Is that you, Lord?”
The voice answered, ”NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.”
Drum joke
Q: Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?A: So they don’t disgrace themselves at the parade.
Celebrating his first
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots!! Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered. “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house. “No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”