What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Author: admin
Betty Crocker
This husband comes home from a hard day at work and his wife says
“Honey, can you fix the sink? It’s clogged.”
The husband is very tired and replies:
“Who do you think I am, a Plumber?”
So, the husband goes on for the rest of the day without a single
word from his wife. Right after dinner he gets asked again:
“Honey , can you fix the toilet? It is overflowing.”
Now, obviously mad the husband replies: “I told you I am NOT a
Plumber!”
The next day when the husband comes home his wife meets him at
the door and starts to lavish him with kisses.
She finally stops and she tells her husband that the most
increadible thing happened to her: “Well, this really georgous
man moved in next door and he fixed everything for me…. Well,
there was one of two forms of payment–I could have made mad
passionate love to him or I could have made him a cake.”
The husband looks at his wife and asks: “So, what kind of cake
did you bake him?”
“WHO DO YOU THINK I AM BETTY CROCKER???”
Jewelry
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mother: Well dear, a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.)
That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy’s room, you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when a you do that?
Mother: Jewelry, dear!
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Clark Kent
Knock KnockWho’s there?Rapunzel!Rapunzel who?Rapunzel troubles
Knock KnockWho’s there?Rapunzel!Rapunzel who?Rapunzel troubles in your old kit bag….!
Why do farts smell?…
Why do farts smell?
For the benefit of the deaf!
2 Salesman
Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.
In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.
About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can’t believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says:
“When we spent the night at the widow’s mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?”
“Why, yes I did.”
“And did you use my name?”
“Why, yes how did you know?”
“Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!”
Viagra Rush
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the cell phone, and she says, “I’ll be home in an hour.””Perfect,” he replies.The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife!She calls him on the cell phone and she says, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for about an hour and a half.”The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. “What should I do?” he asks.The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?””Yes” the man replied.”Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor.The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper…”
Voodo dick
A husband had to leave town on a buisness trip his wife was the flirtatious type so he thought about buying an infatable doll but that was too close to another man for him so he went to a adult toy store and talked to the old man behind the counter. The old man said well I really shouldnt show you this but ok….he bought out this box with all these stange looking symbols on it and inside lay a very ordinary looking dildo. The man was like
“That is like every other dildo in here.”
The old man said well you have mot seen what it can do..he pointed to the door and said “voodo dick, the door” the dildo rose up out of the box shot towards the door and started banging the heck out of the keyhole, before it could split down the middle the old man said “voodo dick back to the box.” the dildo stopped banging the keyhole and floted back to the box. The husband was so amazed he intantly offered the old man all his money and the old man accepted. He told the husband the intructions and the husband went home.
It was time to leave for his buisness trip and the husband told his wife..honey when you get really horny all you have to do is say voodo dick my p###y. so he left thinking everything was ok. Three days go by and his wife is really horny, she thinks of several men that can willingly satisfy her but she decides to give her husbands present a try, she whips it out and says “Voodo dick my p###y” and it thrust to her crotch and its like nothing she ever felt before..third orgasm she cant take anymore..she trys to remove the dildo but its stuck…she is trying to get dressed and is trembling from the vibrations she decides to drive herself to the hospital…on the way she has another orgasm and swerves off the road a cop sees her and pulls her over..he says mam may I see your drivers license and what have you been drinking. She says ” Officer you really dont understand (still shaking from the dildo) theres a voodo dick and its stuck in my p###y
He says ” ya right…voodo dick my ass.”
Yodelahewho
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Yodelahe.
Yodelahewho!
Blondes on walls
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?? To see what was on the other side
Girlfriend to wife
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
– Mr I N Distress
Dear I N Distress,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.
You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.
Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0
With best wishes,
Tech Support.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Deep freeze
Two men who were waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
“How did you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man.
“How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second man.
“You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. Eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, …. how did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic and, just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the deep freezer, we’d both still be alive!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman