Engineer at golf course

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!”

� Ineptitude!”The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have
a word with him.” [dramatic pause]

�Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow
aren’t they?”

The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, “That’s so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Cooking Problems

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”

“Ah, ha!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder … those are friars!”

The College Food Chain

THE DEAN

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

Leaps short buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a switch engine

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Talks with God

PROFESSOR

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds

Is almost as powerful a switch engine

Is faster than a speeding BB

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

Barely clears a quonset hut

Loses tug of war with a locomotive

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings

Is run over by locomotives

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

Treads water

Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR

Climbs walls continually

Rides the rails

Plays russian roulette

Walks on thin ice

Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT

Runs into buildings

Recognizes locomotives two out of three times

Is not issued ammunition

Can stay afloat with a life jacket

Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings

Says “Look at the choo-choo”

Wets himself with a water pistol

Plays in mud puddles

Mumbles to himself

Scooby Doobie Boobies!

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, ‘”Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'”

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, “Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!”

A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”

“Why, yes, I do. How did you know?”

“Hickory dickory dock”!

"Give Her Another Chance!"

At a blonde convention a speaker stood up at the podium and
said, “Let us have the ‘dumb blonde’ theory lay to rest!” He got
a warm reply, so he went on. He pointed at a young lady in the
audience, “Young lady, will you please step up here?” The young
lady got up to the podium, stood and smiled.

The speaker asked, “Alright. What is 101 + 20?” The young lady
replied, “120!” The speaker flinched and said “No, I’m sorry,
that’s not correct.” The blonde audience shouted, “Give her
another chance!”

So he did, “What’s 10 + 10?” The young lady replied, “22.” The
blondes once again shouted in unison, “Give her another chance!”

Cursing under his breath, he said, “Now, what is 2+2?” The
blonde replied innocently, “4?”. The speaker was just about to
congratulate her when the crowd shouted, once again, “Give her
another chance!”

Two old drunks

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”

“So”, says the second drunk, “What’s yer point?”

“Well”, says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

Blonde in Snow Storm

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad
has once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow
plow and follow it.”

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She
followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the
truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad
had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done withe Wal-Mart, now you can
follow me over to Sears.”

Application rejections

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of
candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this
time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX