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A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take.
The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry.
The hillbilly heard this and said, “Great! Be sure and give him lot’s of that there triggernometry! He’s got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.The Brunette said “I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can’t believe my daughter smokes.”The Redhead says “Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can’t believe my daughter drinks.”The Blond says “I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can’t believe my daughter has a penis!”
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?””Ever go a fishin’?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.”Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ’em all?”
. . . more fun than fiberglass underwear.
q. What did the scientist say when his son dropped a computer on his foot?
a. He said “It mega hertz!”
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.” In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you Lord, they’re finally together.” Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked… “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The other mourner then replied… “I think he means her legs.” submitted by: Lisa
What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?
A hole.
Your momma is so fat that when she cried along came hurricane Andrew.
En un manicomio, estaban todos los locos en su hora de descanso, jugando al mango maduro. Cada uno de los loquitos al tocar su turno, sub�an a lo alto de una barda y a unos metros de la barda hab�a un �rbol enorme y saltando desde la barda hacia el �rbol, gritaban “MANGO MADURO” y despu�s de balancearse un par de veces de las ramas del �rbol, se soltaban de tremenda altura y azotaban contra el piso y as� sucesivamente cada uno de ellos esperaba ansioso su turno.
En esos momentos va pasando el Director del manicomio en su rond�n de rutina, y cuando detectan su presencia todos los locos comienzan a gritar a coro:
“Que juegue el Dire, que juegue el Dire”
Y mientras lo jalaban de los brazos hacia la barda, y el Director ante tal acoso y en un momento de “brillantez”, decide seguir el juego con una NUEVA estrategia.
Por fin arriba de la barda y saltando hacia el enorme �rbol, grita a todo lo que da: “Mango Verde” y se balanceaba de las ramas sin soltarse de ellas y cuando pensaba que todo estaba bien librado, de inmediato los loquitos reaccionan y gritan:
“�A esos los tumbamos a pedradas!”
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to If at first you don’t
succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their
level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is:
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. (Project
Management at its best).
A teacher was in class on Friday evening (last period).
She told the class that whichever student answered the
question correctly could have Monday off.
She asked “Who is the President of the United States?”
A boy rose his hand and said “Bill Clinton.”
The teacher told him he could have Monday off, but the boy told her that he
was Jewish and that Jews don’t take holidays for no reason.
The teacher told him not to raise his hand again and she decided to ask
another question. She said “What is the name of the last province that
joined in confederation with Canada?”
Another boy rose his hand and said “Newfoundland.”
The teacher told him that he could have Monday off but the boy said that he
too was a Jew.
A big bully who was sitting at the back of the class said “Stupid Jews.”
The teacher called out “Who said that?”
The bully called back “Hitler Miss! See yah Tuesday!”