What do you call a Russian with three balls?
“Whodyanickabollokoff”
Author: admin
One good thing about repeating
One good thing about repeating your mistakes
is that you know when to cringe.
Make a blonde giggle
how do you make a blonde?
tell her a joke on friday
Who wears the pants
Jack was going to get married to Jill, so his father set him down for a pre-wedding chat.
He says, “Jack, let me tell you something, on my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Try these on.’ She did and said, ‘These are too big, I can’t wear them.’ So, I replied ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we have never had any problems.”
“Hmmm,” says Jack. He thinks that might be a good idea.
So, on his honeymoon he takes off his pants and hands them to Jill saying, “Try these on.”
Jill says, “These are too big, they won’t fit me.”
Jack says, “Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and don’t you forget it.”
Jill then takes off her pants and hands them to Jack. She tells him, “Put these on.”
He looks at her and says, ” I can’t possibly get into your pants.”
She smirks at him and says, “And if you don’t change your attitude you never will!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Nationalities
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
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1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs.
4. If there’s a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating
your sense of national pride.
9. You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
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1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”
10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.
10a. When you’re not.
10b. At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
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1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Proper beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events due to
your extensive experience
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
10a. Or Scottish
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
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1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
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1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing.
6. Honesty
7. One sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes
and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls’ testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
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1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
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1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
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1. You’ve got to be having a laugh, haven’t you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
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1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can’t have sex with
a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don’t agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness in a pub that never closes.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning
after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
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1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in
their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
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1. Knowing your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized
nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?A: The cow fell on her.
Not What I Had In Mind
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four”.
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: “Mirror mirror on the door, make my “manhood” touch the floor!”. Again, there’s a bright flash and both his legs fall off.
‘PG’ Washington DC Elevators
Did you know that all over Washington DC, elevators are having labels taped over the ‘UP’ button that read: VIAGRA And over the ‘DOWN’ button is a similar label reading: MONICA
The Punk and the Old Fart
There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.
After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man “What are you staring at?”
“Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot.
I was wondering if you were my son.”
A little ambiguity never hurt
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
Special order at the bar
A man walked into a bar and as he walked in he saw a sign on the wall that said – Cheese Sandwich- $3.00 – Chicken Sandwich- $4.00 – Hand Job- $10.00The man reached into his wallet and got out the proper amount of money as he was doing so he saw this beautiful blonde waitress and called her over. She walked up and said, “Sir, can I help you?”The man said, “Why yes. Are you the one that does the hand jobs around here?” She said, “Why yes I am” , with a sly grin. The man looked up at her with a serious look, a slight grin, shaking his head, and said, “Well then darlin’…wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich.”
We’re Lesbians
This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He
calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to Buy those two ladies a drink.”
The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good�.
The man, with a confused look on his face says, “It doesn’t matter, I want to
buy those women a drink�.
The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the
drink with a nod of their heads.
About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, “I’d like to
buy you two another drink�.
The women both reply, “It won’t do you any good.”
The man says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?”
The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.”
The man replies, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?”
The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick pussy’s.”
The man says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians�.