Author: admin

A man is walking along when he runs into a bunch of Indians. The Chief Indian steps forward and says, “You have trespassed on sacred territory. You must die or take the Three Indian Tepee Test.”

“Well I didn’t mean to sir, it you could just-”

“No, no matter you must die or take the Three Indian Tepee Test.”

“What’s the Three Indian Tepee Test?”

“You must go into first Tepee and drink whole keg beer, then you must go into second tepee and remove sore tooth from lions mouth, then you go to third tepee and make Fat Indian Squaw sexually happy.”

Well neither option is sounding real great to the guy, but he figures anything is better then death, and agrees. So he walks into the first tepee and drinks the whole keg of beer, comes out stumbling and is led to the second tepee. He goes in and immediately there is growling, but a short while later the sound is followed by purring.

Then the man walks out pants half down and slurs, “Now where is that squaw with the bad tooth?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.”Tony! Why are you so fat?””Pop, it’s Mama’s casseroles!” Tony says.”I can’t stop eating them, it’s so good.””Tony, you should take a smaller bites.” Pop says.Then Pop looks at his middle son.”Fred! Why are you so fat?””Pop, it’s a Mama’s roast beef,” Vinny says.”I can’t stop eating it, it’s so good.””Fred, you should take a smaller bites.”Then Pop looks at his youngest son, “John! How you stay so slim and trim?””It’s easy, Pop,” John says.”I eat a lots and lots of pussy.””Pussy? Pussy?” Pop says.”That tastes like shit!””Pop, you should a take smaller bites.”

When not to Fart: 1. In a crowded elevator2. On a crowded bus3. In a public library4. While on a date5. While giving a speech6. In church7. In a crowded classroom8. In your office when you’re alone – someone’s bound to walk in immediately afterwards9. In a movie theater 10. In your cubicle at work – again someone’s bound to walk in to visit11. In a walk-in freezer – it’ll linger a while12. In an commercial airplane13. In a ticket line14. In your car before picking up a family member15. during confession16. In bed when you’re feeling frisky17. In a Cessna18. While fighting fire in a burning building19. In a patrol car for a minor violation When to Fart: 1. In your bosses office as you are turning to leave. Tip-Make sure it’s a silent one.2. In a bathroom3. In a cashier’s line – it might help to speed up things4. In an empty elevator before you get off5. Next to an occupied changing room – it may quickly become unoccupied.6. In someone elses unoccupied cubicle at work7. While parachuting8. While scuba diving9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested10. During interrogation if you’re the one being interrogated11. In your car if you’ve been carjacked12. In the changing room when you’re sure someone else is waiting their turn.13. In your car once you’ve been pulled over. The cop may let you go quicker.14. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors15. While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know who to blame.

Hey buddy that’s a nice shirt, what brand is it? Clearance?

In The Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was
without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God said, “Let
the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree
yielding fruit,” and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, “There goes the neighborhood.”

And God said, “Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air
and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing
that creepeth upon the Earth.” And so God created Man in his own image;
male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw
that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, “I know how I can get back in this game.”

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long
and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent
double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?”

And Man said, “Super-size them.” And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that
man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, “I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with
which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth
the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into
cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO’s.