Author: admin

Smart Dogs

Posted on by admin

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was
an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a
chemist, and the fourth man was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, “T-Square, do your stuff!”
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a rectangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.” Slide Rule went out to the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was very smart, also.

However, the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog
and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard,
and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was
also very smart.

These three men then turned to the government worker and asked, “What can
your dog do?”

The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your
stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for Workman’s Comp, and went home on sick leave.

More cool bumper stickers!

Posted on by admin

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Jesus paid for our sins… now lets get our money’s worth.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.

Lord save me from your followers.

God must love stupid people. He made so many.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

A un tipo lo asaltaron

Posted on by admin

A un tipo lo asaltaron y lo dejaron desnudo en plena calle, cuando vio a lo lejos que ven�a una monja; r�pidamente su reacci�n fue subirse a un �rbol que estaba por all�.

La monjita al pasar se fij� en el �rbol y vi� que estaba lleno de frutos y empez� a recogerlos al son de la m�sica:

“Ser�n bellitas ser�n bellotas, ser�n bellitas ser�n bellotas”, y as� lo hizo durante mucho tiempo. Hasta que tom� un par de frutos que no ca�an. La monja cantaba con fuerza:

“Ser�n bellitas ser�n bellotas, ser�n bellitas ser�n bellotas.”

El tipo que se escond�a en el palo sufr�a de dolor, hasta que no aguant� m�s y al son de la m�sica respondi�:

“�Ni son bellitas ni son bellotas, esas dos cosas son mis pelotas!”

Blonde in a wheat field

Posted on by admin

There was a blonde driving down the road one day on her way to visit some family. She was driving down a country road that came along side a giant wheat field. When she looked over at the wheat field she was shocked to see that there was another blonde out in the wheat field in a row boat. And this woman with oars in hand was vigorously rowing! The blonde woman driving saw this and was pissed! So she stopped her car along side of this wheat field and rolled down her window and yelled out to the blonde in the boat. “You know it’s blondes like you who give blondes like me a bad name!” “And if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your ass!”.

The twelve days after Christmas

Posted on by admin

The first day after ChristmasMy true love and I had a fightAnd so I chopped the pear tree downAnd burnt it, just for spite Then with a single cartridgeI shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. The second day after ChristmasI pulled on the old rubber glovesAnd very gently wrung the necksOf both the turtle doves My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the third day after ChristmasMy mother caught the croupI had to use the three French hensTo make some chicken soup The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obsceneThe five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green. The sixth day after ChristmasThe six laying geese wouldn’t laySo I sent the whole darn gaggle to theA.S.P.C.A. My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.The eighth day after ChristmasBefore they could suspectI bundled up theEight maids-a-milkingNine ladies dancingTen lords-a-leapingEleven pipers pipingTwelve drummers drummingAnd sent them back collectI wrote my true love”We are through, love!”And I said in so many words”Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!” Four calling birds,Three French hens,Two turtle dovesAnd a partridge in a pear tree!”

Smart Professor

Posted on by admin

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.” The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.”Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”