your mama so stupid i step on a cigar and she said who turn out the heat.
Author: admin
What I Want In A Man
What I Want In A Man, Original List… (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List… (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn’t nod off while I’m emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends
Lawyers are greedy
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.”Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!”, he whined.”You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!”, retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!””Oh no!”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.”Where’s my Rolex???!!!”
Venancio va a enviarle un
Venancio va a enviarle un radiomensaje a Manolo:
“�Me indica su PIN?”
“Claro… ahora lo recuerdo… mmmm, pues… ah, s�, 12345678.”
“�Cu�l es el mensaje?”
“Manolo, pasa por mi casa, que has olvidao tu pager.”
Pope
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.
“Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.”
“You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.”
“Is there anything which your holiness desires?”
“Well, yes,” the Pope replied. “I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.
Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time.”
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents.
The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man’s relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, “There’s an ‘R’, there’s an ‘R’ — it’s celibRate!”
Women�s breasts
Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So men will talk to them.
Potatoe Sack
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in.
The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
“Meow,” says the redhead.
“It must be a cat,” thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.
“Woof,” says the brunette.
“Must be a dog,” thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.
“Potatoes,” says the blonde.
An airliner
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew
to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency
landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still
going around passing out business cards.”
Hiring a Clown
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”Other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.� Shouting out he say�s, �HEY WILLIE, FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”
What’s pink and drags along the ocean floor?…
What’s pink and drags along the ocean floor?
Moby’s Dick.
Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the husband talks and the wife listens. In the second year of marriage, the wife talks and the husband listens. In the 3rd year of marriage both of them talk and the neighbours listen.
Dinner at Boyfriends house
Cara was very excited abut going to her bf’s house for dinner,
although the night she had to go she got very ill. She still
went.
In the middle of dinner she excused herself to go to the
bathroom, so she went upstairs. closed the door, and she
couldn’t stop going!!
When she was done it was so big the toilet couldn’t flush!!
So she picked it up with her hands and threw it out the window.
After washing her hands for a full 10 min. she went back
downstairs.
Everybody was staring at her, and she asked what happened?
Her boyfriend pointed up…her waste fell onto the skylight.