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Hay dos tipos de trabajadores: los mayas y los aztecas.
Los mayas son aquellos que todos los d�as llegan al trabajo una hora m�s tarde; se van a desayunar; vuelven tres horas despu�s y preguntan:
“�MAYA-mado alguien?”
Los aztecas son aquellos que llegan al trabajo; checan tarjeta y se marchan con la intenci�n de no volver, pero antes de irse le dicen al compa�ero:
“AZTECA-rgo de lo m�o”.
The Ice Cream Toaster
1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
2. Heckle the professor.
3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say
that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.
4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is
turned.
5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you
can borrow his chalk to take notes.
7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable
scientific proof.
8. If it’s a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled
pi.
9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the
professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say
“He knows.” Pick a different person each time.
10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your
chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an
important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking
notes for you.
11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.
12. Write a love note. Sign it “a secret admirer”. Get someone to
pass it to the professor.
13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the
class. Change clothes every time.
14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If
anyone asks, say you have Tourette’s syndrome.
15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks,
say “They were out of apples.”
16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous
lecture. Take notes on both.
17. If it’s an English class, ask how the theory of relativity
relates to Shakespeare’s “Midsummer Night’s Dream”.
18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of
class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and
ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.
19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the
classroom wall.
20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that
you didn’t have time to eat breakfast.
21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is
your costume for the school play, and you didn’t have time to
change out of it.
22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami
animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class.
Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.
23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor’s
desk.
24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it
hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up,
claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to
see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.
25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks
before class.
26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold
medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes
or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you
have no memory of what just happened.
27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are
to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees,
lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the
class. If the professor objects, say that the students should
have a wide range of knowledge.
28. Switch the professor’s lecture notes with your history notes
from last term.
29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.
30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using
a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn’t see
any sign saying you couldn’t bring cameras.
31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have
the answer to a question.
32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the
professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework
assignment for art class.
33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze,
then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes
before the professor sneezes.
34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, “Hey! A
substitute! All right!” Claim that the real professor said you
could have lecture outside.
35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call
the professor a copycat.
36. If it’s a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with
New Folgers Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a
hidden camera.
37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.
38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister’s
modeling clay.
39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor
doesn’t know. Act angry when he/she doesn’t understand you.
40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people
you joined the wrestling team. Body slam anyone who doesn’t
believe you.
41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, “NOOOOOO! Not
him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again!
NOOOOOOOOO!” then run out of them room. See how many people
follow you.
42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.
43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on
them like you would normally.
44. Two words: American Gladiators.
45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. (“Relativity!
Relativity! Einstein rocks!”)
46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that
these trained animal shows aren’t what they used to be.
47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it
every 15 minutes.
48. When the professor calls on you, mumble incomprehensibly.
Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes
before the professor stops calling on you.
49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your
desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.
Note: All “real men” answer “C” to all of these questions. Know
this, and you will have come far in understanding men and enriching
your own life..
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing
all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy,
wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life
do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
homerun to win the World Series, you may hug him, provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path,
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard
enough to cause fractures.
5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive
and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One
leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy
-you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers-when
she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not
knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking
whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you
have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false
hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her — sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair
and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”
9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody – and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife – is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems
to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally
got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
11. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier?””Chronic syphilis, Sir.””What treatment are you getting?””Five minutes with the wire brush each day.””What’s your ambition?””To get back to the front, Sir.””Good man,” said the Major.He went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?””Chronic piles, Sir.””What treatment are you getting?””Five minutes with the wire brush each day.””What’s your ambition?””To get back to the front, Sir.””Good man,” barked the Major.He moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?””Chronic gum disease, Sir””What treatment are you getting?””Five minutes with the wire brush each day.””What’s your ambition?””To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!”
A prostitute visited a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to
have a heart transplant.
Concerned about her friend’s welfare, the prostitute went up to the surgeon
and said, “Doctor, I’m worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the
organ?”
The doctor replied, “Well, she’s 34 years old and is in extremely good health,
apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?”
The patient’s friend replied, “She’s been working since she was 18 years old,
but what’s that got to do with anything?”
“Well,” said the doctor, “if she’s been working for 16 years and hasn’t
rejected an organ, I don’t think she’s about to start now!”
Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?
A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, “I wonder if it’s magic. I think I’ll rub it and find out.”Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, “I’m your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.”Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, “Give me a million dollars.” So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the “one condition”.Next the man said, ” I’d like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast.” So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.Finally the genie said, “You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.”So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, “Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.”
A man who compromises when he’s wrong is wise; a man who compromises when he’s right is married.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions
gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to
escape.”It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”The boss
screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers — we had $100 when we broke
in!”
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can’t see each other using sign language, natch).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.”
“And if you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times”