My insomnia is so bad, I can’t even sleep on the job.
Author: admin
Scaring the kids
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
‘What’s up?’ he says.
‘I’m having a heart attack,’ cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!’
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
‘You jerk,’ yells the husband, ‘my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!’
Reason for Hitler killing himself
Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: He saw the gas bill.
Feminists
Q. How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. One to screw it in and one to suck my dick.
Q. Why did the feminist cross the road?
A. To suck my dick!
Advise is Cheap, because supply
Advise is Cheap, because supply always exceeds demand.
New Ears
A woman goes to a doctor, and says, “Doctor I want an operation to reduce my
vagina lips.” “Oh, I don’t think so,” says the doctor. “Please,” the woman begs.
“Oh all right,” sighs the doctor. “But no one can find out, not even my family”
the woman insists. The doctor agrees.
After the operation, the woman finds two roses at her bedside. “Oh,” she
screams, “no one was supposed to find out about my operation! “Oh, it’s okay
ma’am,” says the doctor. “One rose is from me, and the other is from a man in
the intensive burn unit, who thanks you very much for his new ears!”
The difference between Moses and Tim Leary
What’s the difference between Moses and Tim
Leary
Moses got on his ass and rambeled around the
country untill he got to Mount Siani. There
he saw a burning bush. Later he got two
tablets made out of stone, whiche he took
down from on high. When he showed these to
the people they all said this is from God.
Tim Leary got off his ass and into his
rambler. He went to Mount Kisko and smoked a
little bush. Later he got two hundred tablets
whic he took down to the people who got on a
high and thought the.
Day off?
Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re shorthanded, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith. “I knew I could count on you!”
First choice
Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and Washington DC has
so many lawyers?
New Jersey got first choice.
Spice Girls
~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL WITH TWO BRAIN CELLS?
PREGNANT
~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL BEHIND A STEERING WHEEL?
AN AIRBAG
~WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK INTO A SPICE GIRLS EYES?
THE BACK OF HER HEAD
How much will this cost me?
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist: $100.00.Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Tom is applying for a job
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told
to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, “What would you do if
you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says, “I would switch one train to another track.”
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.
“I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever,” answers Tom.
“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then,” Tom continues, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the
next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“In that case,” Tom argues, “I’d run to the street level and use the public
phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalized?”
“Oh, well,” says Tom, “in that case I’d run into town and get my Uncle Leo.”
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash!”