A young new salesman had just started his job at a General Store ,His boss told him that they were overstocked with Lawnmowers. If he was to sell the most Lawnmowers that day he would get a bonus in his pay.His first customer was a woman that asked him for Sanitary Napkins.As he calmly reached for the box he asked her if she would like to buy a Lawnmower.The woman replied in a stern voice “what do I need a Lawnmower for”?The young salesman answered “well you can’t have sex so you might as well mow the lawn”
Author: admin
A facelift experience!
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
“Well,” says the doctor, “I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.”
“Oh, no.” the woman replies. “I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back.”
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, “There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear.”
“That’s what I want!” exclaims the lady. “Let’s do that.”
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office.
“Well, how’s the procedure holding up?” the doctor asks.
“Terrible!” the lady bellows. “It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”
“What’s wrong?” asks the doctor.
“Just look at these bags under my eyes!” she hollers.
“Lady,” the doctor reports, “those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!”
old lady says "f*ck"
How do you get an 80 year old lady to say “fuck”?
Get another 80 year old lady to yell “Bingo”
Two blonde crooks
Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, “I hear sirens, jump!”
The second one said, “But we’re on the 13th floor!”
The first one screamed back, “This is no time to be superstitious.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.119. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
20 year anniversary
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee and says, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes I do,” she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued… “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'”
“I remember that too,” she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…”I would have gotten out today.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Tough guy eh?
A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she’s crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.
“As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long”!
The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.
“He also said he wants to screw me all night long”!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.
“He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night”!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.
His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn’t doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.
The boyfriend says “I’m sorry Honey, – but I’m not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer”!
Avoiding a big object
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. “I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.” Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”
Administrative Assis
Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. I can’t do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form.
Work is for people who
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish
Osama Bin Laden'
One day Osama Bin Laden is thinking: What should I blow up first? Then Osama Bin Laden said: “I have decided! bring the servent girl and tell her to get on her kneesand tell her to sacrifice her self!”
The End of Poe’s Raven
The End of the Raven By Edgar Allen Poe’s Cat On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting, I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for. Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven, Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door. ‘Raven’s very tasty,’ thought I, as I tiptoed o’er the floor, ‘There is nothing I like more’ Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore. While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered, Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor; For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor – Bric-a-brac and junk galore. Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered, In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents’ worth – ‘Nevermore.’ While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up, Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore. Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore – Only this and not much more. ‘Oooo!’ my pickled poet cried out, ‘Pussycat, it’s time I dried out! Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before; How I’ve wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty Put and end to that damned ditty’ – then I heard him start to snore. Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor, Jumped – and smashed it on the floor.