Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.” Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said. “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!” Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? The man said, “I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”
Author: admin
Two blondes
There were two blondes sitting in the park and one blonde said to the other blonde “look over there at the dog with one eye” and so the other blonde did and covered her right eye.
Ultimate rejection!
What is the ultimate rejection?
When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!
La mujer de Bonifacio le
La mujer de Bonifacio le pregunta:
“�Por qu� las mujeres prefieren hablar del amor y los hombres s�lo quieren hablar de sexo?”
“Es que las mujeres nunca dicen lo que piensan”, le responde su media naranja.
Witches On Brooms
Q. Why don�t witches wear underwear? A. To get a better grip on the broom!
Roosters
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster. The current rooster was still doing okay, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. “So, they’re trying to replace me”, thinks the old rooster. “I’ve got to do something about this”.
He walks up to the new bird and says, “So you’re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff, don’t you? Well I’m not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself”. The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on” said the young rooster. “And since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy,” said the young rooster.
The two roosters went to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gathered to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he’s still hanging in there. Sadly, the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself…….. “Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
Elmer Fud
Elmer fud saw an ad in the newspaper for a horse, so he looked up the address and went to the home of the dude who was selling the horse. When he got there, Elmer asked to see the horse so he could make sure he wanted it. So , the old man who was selling it took him to the barn and showed him the horse. “Can I see hoer hoofs?” asked Elmer, and the old man said sure as he lifted the right hoof. “Gwood!” he said and then asked ” Can i see her gawwop?” By this time, the old man was getting annoyed as he lifted himself on to the back of the horse and took her for a little gallop. When he got back, the old man sighed as Elmer pleaded “May I see her twot?” The old man was so furious that he picked up Elmer Fud and shuvved his face right in her but and smeared it in his face.
What has 90 teeth and fights a big hary monster….
What has 90 teeth and fights a big hary monster.
My zipper
Translations Gone Bad
The following our signs seen overseas where the actual message of the signs became somewhat lost in the english translation.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 & 11 am daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
In a Tokyo hotel:
Please take advantage of the chambermaids.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
In a Hong Kong dress shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.
In Germany’s Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they are married for that purpose.
An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.
On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:
Stop—Drive sideways.
Swiss mountain inn:
Special today–no ice cream.
Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
A notice in a Japanese hotel (ca. 1950):
Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to read notice.
Office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find that they are best in the long run.
Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:
Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speeching American.
A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic:
No smoothen the lion
A Finnish hotel’s instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.
In a Japanese restaurant (ca. 1950):
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.
The re-release of George Lucas’
The re-release of George Lucas’ “Star Wars” raked in millions.
“This came as a relief to Princess Leia who had fallen on hard times
and was considering becoming a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers and
Ocean Spray.” (Joshua Sostrin)
Says Paul Ecker, “Teenagers all over the country are asking the same
question: Who’s Mark Hamil?”
The film was enhanced with even more special effects. “In a related move,
Sweden will re-release Ingmar Bergman’s films “enhanced with even more
gloom,'” (Michael Edens)
Definitely
Nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?”First a little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange…”Second little boy says…”Trees are definitely green” The teacher replies, “Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: “Does a fart have lumps?”The teacher looks horrified and says…”Johnny! Of course not!!!””OK…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants…”
Hairy Experience
A visiting Kapampangan kababayan was in New York City and it was a
particularly windy day. He was standing by a bus stop when the wind blew and
raised the skirt of a nice American lady standing near him.
He smiled at her (wanting to make conversation) and said, �It�s hairy, isn’t
it?” (What he meant to say was that it was airy – mahangin or windy) The
American lady got mad and hit him with her umbrella and said, ” Well, what did
you expect – feathers?!”