Restaurant Visit

The maitre d’ of a fashionable restaurant looked up and saw three little girls standing in the waiting area. They were dressed in their mother’s clothes, had on high-heeled shoes and were wearing lots of make-up.

The lunch crowd hadn’t started to arrive yet so he decided to treat them like regular guests just to see what they were up to. He seated them at a table and asked what they would like to order.

The first little girl ordered a martini, the second one asked for a margarita and the third one said, “I’d like to have a douche…my mother says they’re very refreshing.”

Creation Of Canada

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said “today I am
going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding
natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain
goats and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout,
forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with
an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon” God continued “I
shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I
shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most
friendly people on the earth” “But Lord” asked Gabriel “don’t you think
you are being too generous to these Canadians?” “Not really” replied God
“just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.”

Let him sit in peace

A soldier came back home from the army and found three kids in the house.
“Who are they?” he asked.
“Well, when you were leaving for the army, remember? I was pregnant. So, here
is Kolya. Then remember, when I came to visit you in the garrison? So, here is
Katya.”
“Yes. But who is the third? The third!”
“What do you want from him? The kid is sitting quietly, so let him sit in
peace!”

The Parrots

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?”

She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.

So, the females yelled at the male parrots, “We’re prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?”

One male parrot said to the other, “Put the Bibles away! We’ve made it to heaven!”

12-inch prick

Another guy walks into a bar with a one-foot man sitting on his shoulder.

He ordered a beer.

The bartender was curious as he got the beer for the guy, but as he put the
beer down on the bar, before the gut could reach it, the little man lepta off
his shoulder and picked up the beer and dumped it in the guys lap.

The guy sighs and asks for a shot of whisky.

As soon as the glass hits the bar, the little man threw the drink in the guts
face and smashed the shot glass against the Wall.

“I have to know…. where did you get that guy?”

“Well… I’ll tell you… I was walking on the beach, saw a brass lamp, rubbed
it, and a genie came out. He said I could have one wish. I asked for a twelve
inch prick and this is what I got…”

The Monks Are Coming

There’s a big hill. On one side of this hill sits a monastery,
on the other side there is a convent. In the middle, on top of
the hill, there is a pub.

One day the monks decided to go for a night out to the pub. At
about 11.30pm the Abbott at the monastery receives a phone call.

“Abbott? This is Sister Virgin Helen of the Lady of Our Souls
Convent. I’m afraid your monks have gotten rather drunk at the
pub tonight and are on their way down the wrong side of the
hill!”

The Abbott reassures her, “Don’t worry, they’ll soon realize
their mistake and turn back.”

10 minutes later he receives another call from the worried
Sister.

“Abbott? This is Sister Virgin Helen of the Lady of Our Souls
Convent. I’m afraid your monks are still on their way down the
wrong side of the hill and now they’re getting rather close to
the convent.”

“Please don’t worry my dear. They’ll turn back soon.”

5 minutes later he receives another phone call from the, now
quite agitated, Sister.

“Abbott? This is Sister Virgin Helen of the Lady of Our Souls
Convent. Your monks are right outside the convent walls and
they’re knocking on the door! What shall I do?”

“Oh my dear, don’t panic. Any moment they’ll realize where they
are and leave.”

2 minutes later he receives another phone call from the now
hysterical Sister.

“Abbott? This is Sister Virgin Helen of the Lady of Our Souls
Convent. Your monks are climbing over the convent wall!”

“Don’t panic my child, they are sure to realize and turn back
now.”

30 minutes later the Abbott receives one more phone call.

“Abbott? This is Sister Helen, your monks are on their way back
now.”