Author: admin

I Can’t Swim

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There was a blonde, sitting in a rowboat, out in the middle of a huge field. She kept screaming “HELP.”

Another blonde happen to be driving by in her car and heard the first blonde yelling for help, so she pulled over to the side of the road to see what was wrong.

She yelled to the blonde sitting in the boat and asked her what was wrong.

The blonde in the boat replied, “I lost the oars and don’t know how to get out of here. Can you help me?”

The second blonde replied, “I would but I can’t swim!”

Medical Appointment

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While undressing for bed one night, ol’ Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis.
Alarmed, he thinks, “I can’t let Hillary see this!”, and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.

“Doc,” he says, “I’ve got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and how do I get rid of it?”

The doctor says, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we’ll try something else.”

Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn’t help.

So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it’s not improved. Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there.

So he goes back to his doctor and asks, “What next?”

The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.

Bill goes back in a week and says, “Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?”

The doctor replied, “Lipstick remover”.

Moo!

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A gay man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender if he could have a margarita, the bartender says sorry we don`t serve gays. Then the gay man says look, I will just take my margarita and sit in a corner reading my book. The bartender says ok.

Then in walks a trucker, and asks the bartender for a beer. Then the two start a convosation and the gay guy decides to listen in on what they are talking about, he hears the trucker say wow im so horney these days i can make out with a cow, and then the gay guy goes moo!

The Pessimist!

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An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”

Stupid slut!

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ok. all my friends were at this dance, then this girl was dancing all slutty and she had alot of rolls, so my friend’s sister was telling my friend to go say something to her. so he walks up to the girl and says ‘rolls are supposed to be in a bakery, not over your pants!’ then the stupid girl said at least i’m not wearing a thong!
that was the stupidest comeback! and what guy would wear a thong??? and SHE was wearing a thong! it was soo idiotick!!!

The Top 25 Reasons for the Absurdly Long Delay of the TopFive Book

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25> There’s been no delay; that’s just the quaaludes talking, dude.

24> It took that long just to remember all the lists. You think we write this crap down?

23> Chris was busy with his day job: translating the Harry Potter book series into Pig Latin.

22> Prima donnas Muse and Hollister held out for a piece of the movie rights.

21> Ecstreemly difikult to find proffreders among TopFive contributers.

20> Chris had precious little free time because of all those extra shifts down at the 7-Eleven.

19> Printers inexplicably kept hacking every list down to a paltry five items.

18> Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, comes between Chris and his daily Macarenaerobics classes.

17> Like a typical man, Chris steadfastly refused to stop and ask for directions.

16> Hey, man, *you* try getting a million monkeys to lay off the Shakespeare-writing and poo-flinging long enough to edit a book.

15> Friggin’ hurricane list kept fouling the presses.

14> Chris was too busy burning incense and paying tribute at the altar of Rip Taylor.

13> Greedy bastard Rosenberg kept holding out for additional 1/238th of cent royalty per book.

12> Courtesy delay so as not to knock Stephen King’s latest from the top spot on the N.Y. Times Bestseller list.

11> Kept holding out for one more Clinton scandal.

10> With a little careful planning, a publisher’s advance can finance a surprisingly long hookers-and-coke bender.

9> Technical difficulties: The TopFive deflector dish emitted a tachyon beam which tore a temporal rift in the fabric of space/time, repeatedly jettisoning the books into the future.

8> Took that long for Oprah to deposit the payola check.

7> Chris’ daily Gallo binges brought the ghost of Orson Welles and his dire “Serve no lists before their time!” warnings.

6> Greedy Nobel and Pulitzer judges insisted on a full year’s worth of cash, drugs and hookers.

5> Chris has been detained at Guantanamo Bay ever since the publication of our “Top 15 Reasons Allah Can Kick Your Jesus’ Ass Any Day of the Week” list.

4> Damn tree-hugging liberal contributors insisted on a certified dolphin-friendly printer.

3> As a featured dancer, Chris never had the time to edit unti the Broadway show of “Cats” closed.

2> Kept waiting in hopes of including a “Top 5 Ways to Punish Osama and Saddam Now That We’ve Finally Caught Them” list.

1> We were waiting for TopFive scientists to develop a special suck-proof ink.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Realistic Nursery Rhymes

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Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.Jack fell down and broke his crown and now he’s dead.Hickory Dickory Dock,The mouse ran up the clock.The clock struck one,The mouse fell down,And he escaped with minor head injuries.Little Miss Muffet,Sat on her tuffet,Eating her curds and waye.A spider came down and sat on the groundAnd Miss Muffet squished him with a big ole’ frying pan.