San Francisco

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

“Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They’re called ‘gays’ or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as ‘lesbians’. You probably won’t believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman’s private parts and do things with their tongues.”

“Good Lord,” her mom said, “what do they call them?”

“Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!”

10 Things To Say When Called To The Office

1. “i’m gonna kill her”
2. “s***, they found the body”
3. “where’s my lawyer?”
4. “he’s still alive?”
5. “they’ve got nothing on me”
6. “i thought i got rid of the evidence”
7. “i told him to hide the body in the boiler, not the shed”
8. “f***”
9. “i didn’t do it”
10. “can they convict me on heresay?”

The Swindlers

An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life
was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three
friends that he trusted the most for some advice. one was a
doctor, one a priest,and one an attorney.

“I’ve been thinking lately,” he said to them, “that perhaps
there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we
die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I’m
giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my
funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I
can use it on my journey to the next world.” The three agreed.

A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the
three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into
the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor
couldn’t keep it in any longer. “I have a confession,” he said.
“This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My cat scan
machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000
out of the envelope to pay for it.” As the other two cringed,
the priest then added, “I must confess, too. The poor have been
especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took
$120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them.”

The attorney was beside himself. “I am disgusted. Our friend
asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last
request. How could you two break that trust and go against his
wishes?” The doctor replies, “You expect us to believe that you,
an attorney, didn’t take anything out of your envelope?”

“I would never!” replied the attorney. “In that envelope was a
personal check for the full amount!”

Removing Tonsils vs. Circumcision

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first
kid leaned over and asked, “What are you in for?” The second kid said,
“I’m in to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid said, “You got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me
once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a piece of cake!”

The second kid then asked, “What are you in here for?” The first kid said,
“Well, I’m here for a circumcision.”

The second kid said, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born, and I
couldn’t walk for a year!”

Look Daddy

While I was driving my daughter home from kindergarten,
Melody Raye started trying to get me to look at the numerous
crayon drawings she’d made that day.

After trying to keep the car between the ditches while looking at the drawings, I told her I would look at the rest later because right now I
had to watch the road. She immediately put a drawing in front of my face and said, “You look, Daddy, I’ll watch the road for you.”