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Heard On Noahs Ark

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10. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of
umbrellas?”

9. “Hey, there are more than two flies in here!”

8. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”

7. “OK, who’s the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on
board?”

6. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!”

5. “Don’t Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!”

4. “No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!”

3. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”

2. “Nice Doggie!”

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH’S ARK…..

1. “Are We There Yet?”

Hide and seek

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Mr & Mrs Levy had two sons. They were brothers, of course. One brother was
called MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and the other brother was called TROUBLE.
One day, the two brothers were playing hide and seek in the street and it was
TROUBLE�s turn to hide. While MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS was counting to 100,
TROUBLE ran down the street and hid inside a thick hedge.
Then MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started looking for his brother. He looked behind
some trees, he looked inside some cars parked in the street and he even looked
under the cars, but he couldn�t find his brother. But when MIND YOUR OWN
BUSINESS started to look inside dustbins, a policeman saw him doing this and
came over to have a word with him.
The policeman said, �And what, may I ask, are you doing little boy?�
And the boy replied, �Playing a game.�
The policeman then asked, �What�s your name?�
And the boy replied, �MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.�
The Policeman got angry and said loudly, �Are you looking for trouble?�
And the boy replied, �Yes.�

The Top 13 Signs You Need Anger-Management Counseling (Part I)

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13> You find yourself patiently explaining to the VCR repairman that it didn’t work even *before* the sledgehammer dents and bullet holes.12> You can’t even spank the monkey anymore without going for the leather strap and a coat hanger.11> You bite the head off a bat — while it’s being used by Barry Bonds.10> One little mistake and you not only kick the kids out, you also cut the legs off all the snakes.9> You’re the president of the Abu Ghraib chapter of the Buford Pusser Fan Club.8> You just received a pre-approved application for an al-Qaeda jihad credit card.7> You still haven’t quit beating yourself up for shelling out eight bucks to see Fight Club.6> Nearly 40 years later, you’re still writing threatening letters to Don Knotts for leaving The Andy Griffith Show.5> You’ve broken seven nails trying to get the lid off the stupid Valium bottle.4> Every time a waiter puts your glass down from the wrong side you fire a warning shot into his groin.3> You once kicked your kitten across the room for sneezing during your favorite episode of Mama’s Family.2> The vein in your forehead throbs so violently, it just knocked out the man in line ahead of you.1> You were shocked to learn the folks on Trading Spaces use *tools* to make holes in walls. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Going fishing

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Two girls asked their mom which side of the creek was best to catch fish for she always caught fish and they caught none. She said when I wake up and your dads pecker is laying to the left I fish the left bank and if it lays to the right I fish the right bank. They both snikared and said what if it stands in the middle she replied. Then there is no time for fishin!

Being a CEO

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A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.

The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

Don’t be on this flight

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“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome
you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently
flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you
will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the
port wing has fallen off.

“If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow
life raft with three people in it waving at you.

“That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This
is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”

EQUAL BUT NOT THE SAME

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“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created
equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw
a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the
nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look
just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy
in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your
home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s
a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has
made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and
play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to
tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a
quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two
weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting
their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start
painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy
accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them.
Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because
they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys
are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6,
girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to
make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off
the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times
in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.