Religious Tolerance

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well…are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?”

He said,”Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said,”Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?”

He said, “Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?”

He said,”Reformed Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.

Riding a bke

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and tells the chief, ‘this is a tree.’ The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘tree.’ The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, ‘this is a rock.’ At which the chief looks and grunts, ‘rock.’ The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, ‘riding a bike.’ The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people.The chief replied, ‘my bike.’

Lawyer quickies 1

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
a: His lips are moving.

Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
A: The vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
A: Nobody wants to hit a skunk.

Q: Why won’t vultures eat dead lawyers?
A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture.

Bride To Be

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be had a discussion with her mother. ‘Mom,’ she said, ‘I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.’The mother took a deep breath and began, ‘Dear, when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…”I know how to screw, mother,’ the bride-to-be interrupted. ‘I want you to know how to make your lasagna.’

John Bobbit’s Dick

Lorraina Bobbit was really very upset at the actions of her
husband so she cut off his penis. Below is the part of the story
that you may not have heard yet….

After she cut his dick off, she left the house with his cock in
hand. She got in her car and headed down the highway. Realizing
what she had done, and realizing that she still had the swollen
bloody cock of her husband in her hand, she tossed it out the
window.

The penis flew out and was taken by the wind. It hit the
windshield of the truck that was behind her. Inside the truck,
there were two rednecks that were in from a hunting trip. As the
cock hit the window one turns to the other and says, “Hey Billy
Ray…” “What Cletus?” “You see the size o’ the dick on that
bug?”