An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked
out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and
exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever
I tell you to do.” One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and
laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head,
hit it real good and hard.” Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
Author: admin
Yogurt
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated
and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods
that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other
two are goulash and squid.
Word Perfect Help Line
This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help
desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect
organization for “Termination without Cause”. Actual dialogue of a former Word
perfect Customer Support employee:
“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the
wall.”
“…….Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable.”
“…….Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your
computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing snuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
Another $200 Bucks
This guy goes over to his buddies house and knocks on the door, it opens and there stands his friends wife. ‘Is John home?’ he asks. She replies ‘No I’m sorry he’s gone out to run a few errands.’ ‘Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?’ She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen. ‘I can’t help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them.’ The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe exposing one of her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table. Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he asks ‘Your breast was so beautiful, I’ve got to see them both at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them both. ‘She once again thinks for a moment and decides, what the hell and opens her robe giving him a good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws it on the table and says, ‘I can’t wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by.’ About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says ‘Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago.’ John replies, ‘Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?’
The Cruise!
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?”
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
Knock Knock 177
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Thumb!
Thumb who?
Thumb like it hot and thumb like it cold!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Thumpin!
Thumping who?
Thumping green and slimy is climbing up your back!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Thurston!
Thurston who?
Thurston and hungerin’!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Tibet!
Tibet who?
Early Tibet and early to rise!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Tinker Bell!
Tinker Bell who?
Tinker Bell is out of order!
Gone Camping
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “you know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
“Today I hiked onto a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watch deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”
The second friend says. “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I cam across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”
“Wow,” the first guy says, “did you get a blow job?”
“No,” says the second friend. “I couldn’t find her head.”
Knock Knock 176
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Theresa!
Theresa who?
Theresa fly in my soup!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Therese!
Therese who?
Therese many a slip twixt the cup and the lip!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Thermos!
Thermos who?
Thermos be a better way!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Theron!
Theron who?
Therinheit or Centigrade, I always get mixed up!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Thomas!
Thomas who?
Thomas happy fella!
Peroxide Blonde and 747
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Bad Food
What is worst tasting, a bag of onions or porkloaf?
Porkloaf, why?
Because porkloaf spelled backwards is faolkrop which sounds like fowl crap.
The Top 14 Least Popular Rap Songs
14) ”Baby Got Clap”13) ”Top o’ The Morn to You Too, Officer”12) ”Let Us Reflect Calmly on Our Differences and Avoid Conflict at All Costs” by Grand ChessMaster Irving11) ”NHL!!! (It’s where it’s at!)”10) ”Actually, Maybe I’m Not All That Great, and My Sexual Prowess is Average at Best” 9) ”My New Minivan is Phat, Yo!” 8) Anything by ”Ol’ Dirty Bacarach” 7) ”I’ll Gladly Turn Down the Volume if it’s Bothering You” 6) ”I Feel Good When My Ho Comes First” 5) ”’G’ is for Gangsta, and for GAY!” 4) ”Okay, So You Touched It. Betcha Can’t Touch THIS…” 3) ”Dust, Dust, Bunnies” 2) ”Gimme Sum Dat Madeline Albright Boo-tay!”1) ”Smack My Bitch Up! But Then Apologize Because It Wasn’t The Ho’s Fault Cuz I Wuz Really Projectin’ My Feelings For My Whack Boss Onto Her And That Ain’t Cool, G!”
What do you get when you cross a blonde and…
What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don’t know, there are some things even a blonde won’t do.