What do you call lice on a bald man’s head?
Homeless.
Author: admin
Men’s Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost a thing. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping.REMEMBER – this chain brings luck.One day a man forwarded this letter and the next day he received the woman who had been named Hooter of the Year at the restaurant chain. An Alaska man was able to choose between a massage therapist and a nymphomaniac chef.You can be lucky, too, but don’t break the chain!! One man broke the chain and he got his ex-wife back.
A woman’s random thoughts
A Woman’s Random ThoughtsSkinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like, ‘You know, sometimes I forget to eat.’ You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t care.They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, ‘Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?’ Clear as a bell my body said, ‘listen wench…do it and die.’The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff.’If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?’
Lawyer quickies 7
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q; Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?A: New Jersey got to pick first. Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? A: It’s called, Sosumi. Q: Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?A: People couldn’t decide which side to spit on. Q: Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux? Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?A: About three pounds, including the urn.
Retirement Day
After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first
house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the
door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant
breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she
was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom
edge.
‘All of this was just too wonderful for words’, he said; ‘But what’s the
dollar for’?
‘Well’, she said, ‘last night, I told my husband that today would be your last
day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give
you, and he said; ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar’. ‘The breakfast was my idea!!’
Q: How many DIY
Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
Al llegar al cielo hab�a
Al llegar al cielo hab�a una entrada para hombres y otra para mujeres. Por la entrada de hombres, hab�a dos puertas, una con un letrero que dec�a: “MI MUJER MANDABA EN MI CASA”, y otra con un letrero que dec�a “YO MANDABA EN MI CASA”.
Como es de suponerse, en la primera puerta, hab�a una cantidad enorme de hombres esperando, mientras que en la segunda puerta, no hab�a nadie. Un d�a un reci�n llegado al cielo tom� la opci�n de entrar por la segunda puerta. Todos los presentes se sorprendieron much�simo, y cuchicheaban entre s�, hasta que por fin alguien se anim� a preguntarle al reci�n llegado la raz�n de que hubiera elegido esa puerta, a lo que el hombre respondi�:
“Es que mi mujer me dijo que me formara aqu�.”
He saw bush
Why did bin ladian run from his wife?
Cause when she lifted up her dress he saw bush!
Es el primer d�a de
Es el primer d�a de colegio de Jaimito, y como estaba muy nervioso, su madre le aconseja lo siguiente:
“Cuando la profesora te pregunte cu�ntos a�os tienes le dices que 6 a�itos; cuando te pregunte el nombre le dices Jaimito y si te pregunta si sabes leer le dices que un poquito.”
Jaimito ya est� en el colegio y la profesora le pregunta: “�C�mo te llamas?”
Y Jaimito, muy nervioso, contesta en el orden que le hab�a dicho su madre: “6 a�itos.”
“�Cu�ntos a�os tienes?”
“Jaimito.”
“�Me est�s tomando el pelo?”
“Un poquito.”
Do you know what Ted Kennedy has that Bill…
Do you know what Ted Kennedy has that Bill
Clinton wishes he had??
A dead girl friend.
Walks into a bar
Askeleton walks into a bar and tells the bartender,”Give me a beer and a mop!””
“
Butterball Turkey Talk-Line…
Butterball Turkey Talk-Line…
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls — inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they’re heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (”Will it cook faster if I drive faster?”), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen — these are real incidents, true stories — from the front lines!
Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird’s body cavity and couldn’t get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn’t have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called ”Turkey Central” for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.
Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, ”How do you thaw a fresh turkey?” The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren’t frozen and don’t need to be thawed.
Don’t wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the ”Be prepared” motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.
Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, ”On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can’t.” (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, ”I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”
Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn’t Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting tim