President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven.On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.Pope: Sorry about the mix up.President Clinton: No problem.Pope: Well, I’m really excited about going to heaven.President Clinton: Why’s that?Pope: All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.President Clinton: You’re a day late.
Author: admin
Pearly gates
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.
“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Dead Rabbit
Years ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbour’s 10 year old daughter’s rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it’s cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it’s grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it’s cage, hoping it’s death would be written off as “natural causes”.Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour’s Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: “DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in it’s cage??”
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
The kids and his parents
mommy,daddy what were you doing last night. we were making cookies.Oh,because i licked all of the frosting off your bed.
The New Hatfields and McCoys
True news articleUNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE — The Pikeville, Ky., City Commission has granted permission to the McCoy family to hold a three-day reunion in June 2000, to which members of the Hatfield family have been invited for a McCoy-Hatfield softball game. (During the 1870s and 1880s, the two Appalachian families had one of the most notorious feuds in U.S. history, marked by 12 deaths.)
What the Graduates a
The Engineering graduate asks: “How does it work?” The Science graduate asks: “Why does it work?” The Accounting graduate asks: ” How much will it cost to work?”The Liberal Arts graduate asks: “Do you want fries with that?”
The fly
The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream.
Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it.
Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth.
Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I’ll get a clear shot at the bear.
Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. Looking at the scene, the mouse thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, then fish will leap out of the water, the bear will rush out at the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and I’ll have just enough time to run out and grab the cheese in the hunter’s sack.
Lazing in a tree which overhangs the river, is a cat. The cat looks down at the scene, and thinks to itself, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, and the bear will come out to catch the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and the mouse will run to get the cheese . . . then I’ll be able to pounce down onto the mouse as it leaves its hole.
Suddenly, the fly drops two inches . . .
Immediately everyone is thrown into wild furious action. The fish leaps out of the water, and snaps the fly in its mouth. The bear lunges into the stream and catches the fish in its mouth. The hunter bursts out of his grassy cover and fires at the bear. The mouse forgets totally about the cheese, and the cat gets such a fright it overbalances and falls into the stream . . .
What’s the moral of the story?
If a fly drops two inches, a pussy gets wet!
Top 10 Ways to Get Kicked Out of a Nine Inch Nails Concert
10. Cover Trent’s eyes and say “Guess who?”9. Burn Trent in effigy8. Make farting noises7. Make beep noises when they curse6. Two words: silly string5. Tickle Trent during a more intense song4. Toss a beanie baby on stage with a note attached saying “Enjoy” when they’re singing “Closer”3. Wear fake nails (nine inches long, of course), and poke everyone-including security2. Sing stuff by *NSYNC to confuse them1. Wear a T-shirt that says “I LOVE MARYLIN MANSON!”
A lesbian request
A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian.
The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied “I’m sorry, we don’t serve minors to lickers.”
Peroxide
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
A Brainteaser For You
Every fall the Ace Hotel saw the pilgrimage of the Blue
Society in their quest to watch the leaves change color.
They counted their nickels and drank large quanties of tea,
but otherwise, were no trouble except for this year. One of
their members was a thief. Hotel rooms were invaded and
wallets were stolen. Then the hotel called in a detective.
The detective ordered dinner in his room where he could
devise a plan of capture. First, the maid came in to deliver
fresh towels. Then a newlywed couple, locked in embrace,
accidentially entered his room before making an apologetic
departure. Next, an elderly lady knocked and entered, then
apologized when she saw it was the detective’s room and not
hers. Then room service knocked bringing in the detective’s
dinner. Half-way through dinner he suddenly knew who the
prime suspect was. Who?
SOLUTION:
It was the elderly lady. If she had really thought it was
her room, she wouldn’t have knocked before entering.