A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been?””I was out getting a tattoo.” “A tattoo? What kind of tattoo?” “I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis.””What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?””Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow… Number two, once in a while, I like to play with mymoney… And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!”
Author: admin
Season pass
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time.”
He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?”
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
“How much for a season pass?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
I was out with a girl last night who had a…
I was out with a girl last night who had a figure like an hour glass
but the sand was in the wrong place.
-Henny Youngman
Concentrate
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Stuttering Problem
A man visited his doctor because he had a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consulted with the patient.
Doctor: “It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.”
Patient: “Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?”
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing that six inches from the penis, freeing him from this horrible problem.
The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment, as well as, loss of employment and that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his follow up.
Patient: “Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great new job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem My wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches?”
The doctor scratched his forehead, thought for a minute and said, “I dddoonnn’t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble.”
Light and Hard
Whats the difference between light and hard???
You can go to sleep with the light on!!!
Q: How many bureaucrats
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Seven–one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
Toes Go In First.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Remaining as enemies
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Israeli. “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our peoples….. this hatred… this animosity… this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes.”
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes.”
Police
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Don’t tell me police who or I’ll arrest you.
Spell it Bubba!
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator. Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.” The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said… “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”