Women forty-nine years old are having their first child. Forty-nine! I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my golden years. What’s the advantage of having a kid at forty-nine? So you can both be in diapers at the same time?
Author: admin
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.171. Talk to your roommate but don’t let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
Locked car
there were two blondies at a gas station and locked their car with the hood open so when they went out to put their chips in the car. They tried to open the door, but it was stuck.
the 2nd blonde said “try busting the door open””
the 1st blonde said “”nah i dont want to smudge the paint on the car.
so the 2nd blonde suggested “”ask the cop over there””
so the 1st blonde asked him and the cop said “”sure why not””.
the cop says to both of the blondes “” the hood is open and the windows are down””
the blondes say “” WE KNOW! we just want to get the car unlocked”” so The cop Just Leaves And everyone looks at them like they are stupid. so they never figured how to open the car door everagain
“
Paralyzing Disease
What’s the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
Difficuilt to say
Difficult words to say when you are sober……
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk…..
* Thanks, but I don’t want sex
* No, I don’t want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thank you
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening Officer
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Jack or Jill
There’s a boss who hired two workers (Jack and Jill) last summer as temporaries. The summer is now over, and he doesn’t have the money to keep both workers on, but he CAN keep one. He’s got a problem because they’re both good workers. So he decides to let fate settle his dilemma by firing the first one of the two that goes to the water fountain the next morning.
Jill is the first to arrive, and, having a headache, takes two aspirins to the water cooler. The boss says to himself, “Well, that’s it then. It’s gotta be Jill.”
He calls Jill into his office. “Money is tight, and I don’t have enough to keep you AND Jack on the payroll. So I either have to lay you or Jack off.”
To which Jill replied: “Well, you’ll just have to jack off, because I have a headache.”
The one that got awa
Two friends out fishing for carp.The one chap stands up and as he does,his wallet falls into the water and slowly starts to sink to the bottom of the lake.As he feverishly attempts to retrieve it,two huge carp appear and both grab the wallet in their mouths and start fighting over it’s possession. The fellow turns to his friend and says “First time I see carp to carp walleting”.
New Guy On The Job
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”
The picture
there is this guy and he always goes for late night drinks at the bar.
he always carries a picture of his wife in his pocket and whenever he finishes a beer he take the picture out and looks at it.
finally the bar tender askes him why he looks at this girls picture after every beer
the man replies well this is my wife and when she looks good i go home.
If your next pot of
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
Alien Invasion
The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the
Pentagon. “Mr. President,” said the four-star general, barely to
contain himself, “there’s good news and bad news.” “Oh, no,”
muttered the President, “Well, let me have the bad news first.”
“The bad news, sir, is that we’ve been invaded by creatures from
another planet.” “Gosh, and the good news?” “The good news, sir,
is that they eat reporters and pee oil.”
Biggest Hotel Bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
“The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”
The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
“But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”
“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for kissing my wife.”
“But I didn’t!” exclaims the manager.
“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”