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The Top 16 Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part II)

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16> “I’m voting for Nader. It won’t make a difference in the election, but it’ll definitely get the Democrats’ attention.”

15> “Surely the smartest, not the strongest, should lead. So you tell your Mr. Dover there’s a *new* head of Cell Block D.”

14> “Go ahead and marry her, Dad. I’m sure Anna Nicole really loves you.”

13> “I’ll bet a splash of Aqua Velva would feel refreshing on my newly shaved scrotum.”

12> “Hey, if I’m going to get drunk and pass out, the safest place to do it is right here in my own frat house.”

11> “Please, God, just let me pass this final and I promise I’ll never smoke pot again as long as I live.”

10> “Hey, Sean Penn! Say ‘cheese!'”

9> “Man, being Martha Stewart’s lawyer is boring. I wish something interesting would happen.”

8> “Okay, fine! That dress *does* make your butt look big! Happy now, Ms. Bloated Water Retaining Menstrual Cramp?!?”

7> “Hey, man, let’s celebrate tonight’s concert by *all* of us getting Milli Vanilli tattoos!”

6> “No, Britney, I think we should wait until we’re out of high school to have sex.”

5> “Mr President, as Director of the CIA, I believe it’s my responsibility to inform you that Saddam Hussein has been making fun of the way you pronounce the word ‘nuclear.'”

4> “I bet your breasts would look great in zero gravity.”

3> “We’re sorry, Ms. Rowling, we just can’t imagine this whole wizard thing catching on with today’s kids.”

2> “Free LASIK surgery done by medical students? Sweet!”

1> “Hey, this Starbucks place is pretty good! I wish they’d open up one in my house.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Genie In A Lamp

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A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, “I wonder if it’s magic. I think I’ll rub it and find out.” Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, “I’m your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.”Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, “Give me a million dollars.” So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the “one condition”.Next the man said, ” I’d like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast.” So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.Finally the genie said, “You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.” So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, “Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.”

never tell a teachure your batman!!!!

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One day a little boy went to kindergarden for his first time.
The teacure told the whole class to make up spelling words for
homework. So the boy went home and asked his his older brother
what his first spelling word should be. His brother said
SHUTUP!!! So then he goes and askes his little brother, who
likes batman, what his second spelling word should be. His
brother said “DUH DUH DUH DUH BATMAN” so the boy writes this
down. Then he goes to his 16 year old sister and says what
should my third word be. she was talking on the phone and said”
LETS GO BABY” So the boy writes this down. Then he goes to his
crazy and messed up dad and says what should my fourth word be?
The dad who is crazy says “GOODY GOODY GUM DROPS” So the boy
writes that down. Then the boy goes to his mom and says I need
a spelling word. So the mom ,who was cooking, was about to say
cat when cried out “MY BUNS ARE ON FIRE!!!!!” So the boy wrote
that down. Then he went to his sisters room and she was
cleaning her room. So she didnt hear him ask what a good
spelling word would be. All she said was ” NUTTIN BUT TRASH!!”
So naturaly the boy wrote that down.

The next day at school the teachure asked the class who would
like to go first and the boy raised his hand. So the teachure
acked him what his first word was and he said SHUT UP then she
said hey who do you think you are? And he said DUH DUH DUH DUH
BATMAN!! and she got mad and said do you want to go to the
princables office and he said LETS GO BABY . At the princeables
office the princable said you are suspended and the boy replied
GOODY GOODY GUM DROPS!! then the princeable got mad and spanked
the boy. the boy cried out MY BUNS ARE ON FIRE!!! Then the
princable said hey boy what do you think this school is made of?
And the boy replied “NUTTIN BUT TRASH!!!!!!!”

Trick Alligator

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This guy goes into a bar leading a half-sized alligator on a leash. The
bartender yells at him, “You can’t bring that animal In here!”

The man says, “This isn’t just any old alligator, he knows tricks. I’ll show
you.” He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, Then says, “This alligator can
hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a
time.”

So, the bartender says “47 seconds�. The man says, “OK, when I say go,
start your watch. Go!” The alligator opens its mouth Wide, while the bartender
watches his mouth. The man says, “To prove how much confidence I have in my pet,
I’m going to lay my Dick in his mouth. But, just for safety’s sake, start
counting the seconds from 45 on.” The man does so, and when the Bartender starts
saying “45…46…47.” right when he says 48 the man pulls back his dick and the
alligator’s mouth snaps Shut.

Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man says, “Thanks
a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try?”

And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks.
I mean, trust only goes so far.

One little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly.

The man says, “You there!! You’re a real man! You’re brave enough to try
this??!”

To which the other man says, “Yet, but I don’t think I could keep my
mouth open the whole 47 seconds.”

Helicopters and Microsoft

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A helicopter was flying around Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE
AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign, and held in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER.” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the
course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position. The pilot
responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar
to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely
useless answer.”

plenty where we come from

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An American, an Italian, and a Mexican are eating together. The Italian eats part of his breadstick and throws it away. The Mexican asks him why he threw it away and the Italian answers, “There’s plenty of them where I come from.”

The Mexican eats part of his nachos and throws the rest away. The Italian asks why and the Mexican says “There’s plenty of them where I come from.”

Then the American takes the Mexican and throws him over the bridge. The Italian asks why, and the American says, “There’s plenty of them where I come from.”

The Top 19 Signs You’ve Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor

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19> Only does patterns by Laura Ashley.

18> While working on your back, he keeps mumbling, “Damn,
you breathed again.”

17> Sundays feature their “Number of the Beast” special.

16> Needles sterilized with a quick dip in a shot of Cuervo.

15> Recently had their grant revoked by the National
Endowment for the Arts.

14> Doesn’t offer option between “young Elvis” and “Vegas Elvis.”

13> A thousand head of cattle in the waiting room.

12> Artist keeps knocking back slugs from the bottle of
rubbing alcohol “just to steady the ol’ nerves.”

11> Work samples on the walls are actual pieces of skin.

10> “Whaddaya mean you DON’T want a swastika?!!?”

 9> You ask for roses intertwined around a logic
diagram of a basic 4-bit integer divide circuit, and they just
have NO IDEA.

 8> Your appointment is always being rescheduled to
accommodate some die-hard KISS fan.

 7> Mickey Rourke carried out on a stretcher as you
arrive.

 6> There is an indescribable, existential malaise in
the air.

 5> Tipper Gore in next chair getting her hair done.

 4> The only bikes parked outside are Schwinns and
Huffys.

 3> You’re served petit fours and cappuccino while
waiting.

 2> Nothing sterile in sight, unless you count the
employees with their court-ordered vasectomies.

 1> Your “Jesus on the Cross” constantly mistaken
for “Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf.”

[   The Top 5
List     
www.topfive.com   ] [   Copyright 1996,
2005 by Chris White   ]

Lawyer on his deathbed

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A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. “Jack, I’ve got
to confess. I’ve been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I’m the father of
your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I’ve been stealing from the firm for a
decade.”

“Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m the
one who put arsenic in your martini.”