Why did the hand cross the road?
Because he wanted to get to the second hand shop
Author: admin
19 Things Not To Say To The Officer
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn’t realize that my radar detector wasn’t on.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a
cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You’re gonna check the trunk, aren’t you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high
school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That’s terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re a trained
specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us
does.
14. That gut doesn’t inspire too much confidence, bet I can
outrun you.
15. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to
work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around – that’s how far
they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun
fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas
pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Casino
A Blonde works at a supemarket where she one day discovered a Vending machine, now she didnt know what it was and it looked so interesting she wanted to try it out. Now on the vending machine it said “ENTER 50 CENTS”
So she did so, and pressed about all the buttons and a coke came out, she was so amazed she continued putting 50 cents in it, until a guy behind her (after 5-10 min. of waiting) said “Excuse me but there are other people who would like to use the machine too” So she turned around looked at him in a mad/blank face and said “Jeeze are you that dumb cant you see I am winning”
Technical Cars
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”
“Sure,” says the GM chairman. “But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”
The Holocaust
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this
century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this
century.” GW Bush
Bad Dog!
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man’s trouser leg.
The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, “You shouldn’t do that. He’ll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!”.
The blind man retorted, “I’m not rewarding him.
I’m just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass”!
Hawaiian Rules Of J.W.:
Hawaiian Rules Of J.W.: 1) Never judge a day by the weather. 2) The best things in life aren’t things. 3) Tell the truth; there’s less to remember. 4) Speak softly and wear a loud aloha shirt. 5) Goals are deceptive; the unaimed arrow never misses. 6) He who dies with the most toys, still dies. 7) Age is relative; when you’re over the hill, you pick up speed. 8) There are two ways to be rich: make more or desire less. 9) Beauty is internal; looks mean nothing. 10) No rain, no rainbows.
Una monja estaba mezclando lentamente
Una monja estaba mezclando lentamente el rompope:
Cluc….. cluc….. cluc…..
Cluc….. cluc….. cluc…..
Entonces se acerca un sacerdote y le sugiere:
“Hija, a este rompompe le hace falta m�s huevos”.
Cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc
Cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc, cluc
Estaba la mam� de Pepito
Estaba la mam� de Pepito hablando con la vecina y la vecina le contaba que ten�a unas diarreas muy fuertes y que no se las pod�an controlar con nada.
Pepito, que estaba escuchando la conversaci�n, le dice: “Mire vecina, yo la voy a ayudar con eso porque yo tengo la receta.”
Ella, considerando la corta edad de Pepito, pensaba que se trataba de cosas de ni�os, as� que le pregunt� cual era la receta para controlar las diarreas.
Pepito le dijo: “Lo que tiene que hacer es comer mucha langosta.”
Tanto la vecina como la mam� de Pepito se qedarpm asombradas y le preguntaron a Pepito c�mo era que la langosta ayudaba con las diarreas.
Y Pepito les contest�:
“Bueno, la verdad que yo no s� como ayuda, pero a cada rato escucho cuando mami le dice a papi que coma langosta, a ver si esa mierda se para…”
Ten types of boyfriends
THE 10 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS
——————————
Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?” Also known as:
Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.
Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay
home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt.
Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle.
Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’
Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.
Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed
weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.
The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how,
but–“
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus.”
Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer.
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.
Mr. Prez
Let’s do it in the Oval Office. Let’s do it in the war room
Also known as Slick Willy, the Presidential Erection, The Commander in
briefs, The Secret Servicer, The Pocket Veto and The Executive Branch
Advantages: Fun games such as swallow the Leader.
Think of the book rights and speaking fees
I’ll never have to do one of those
American Express commercials “Who Am I”
Disadvantages: Those darn perjury charges
A lawyers tomstone.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange”!
Missing golf ball
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”
I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife’s golf ball…..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey this looks like yours!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing