A sailor came home from a secret two year mission at sea only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.”Was it my friend Marvin?” he demanded.”No!” his weeping wife replied.”Was it my friend Jerry then?” he asked.”NO!!!” she said even more upset.”Well which one of my no good friends did this then?” he asked.”Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.
Author: admin
Can�t eat
One breakfast time, little Rebecca says to her mum, �What two things can’t you
have for breakfast, mum?�
�I don�t know?�
�Lunch and dinner, of course.�
Don’t be so open-minded — your brains will…
Don’t be so open-minded — your brains will fall out.
Clinton’s Worst Nightmare
What’s Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare?
An intern with braces.
You might be a redneck if..
Your mom paints your haws one color and it ends up three.
Defective Cup Holder
A computer manufacture called some of their clients to ask about how much they are satisfied with their computer.
Company: Hi, I’m calling from U Computer, you have recently purchased a computer from us.
Client: Oh Yeah.
Company: Are you satisfied with your computer?
Client: Yes, but I don’t know why this computer came with a coffee cup holder and after many use it’s not working.
Company: Odd, we don’t sell computer with a computer with a coffee cup holder.
Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer and there is a little button when I press it, a tray comes out and I put the cup on it.
Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. It is used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it as a cup holder.
Client: Oh, so that’s why it broke! Thank you. Bye.
Don’t try this at home!
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
centepiede
One day a guy walked in to apet shop and was looking for a pet a
sales man comes over and says”Would you like a pet that could do
all your chores”sure i would the guy said then the saleman says
see that centepiede it can do every thing take it or leave it
the says ill take the guy gos home and says go get some milk to
the centepiede{which had ove a thousand legs} the cenpied gos
out the door the guy waits 20 mins 30 mins now an hour the guy
got up and went out the door and looked down and saw the
centepiede he said what are you doing then the centepiede
replies im going im going im tieing my shoes
Gay Golfers
There were these two gay golfers playing golf on a Sunday afternoon. There
were a group of rednecks behind them, who were always hitting the queers
with the golf balls.
One of the queers says to the other, next time they hit us, fall down and
act like you are hurt, cause we are going to sue them rednecks. Well, sure
enough, the one of the balls hits one of the queers and he falls down and
starts flopping all around.
The group of rednecks come up and asks what the problem is. The queer
says, you hit my friend with the ball and he is hurt bad. We are going to
sue you all. One of the rednecks says, “Aw, suck my dick. Well, the queer
tells the other queer to get up, because they are going to settle out of
court.”
Not Bad
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the
ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity
he asks her what she is brewing.
“A magic potion” she replies.
“Well what is it for?” he asks.
“This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.”
At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable
but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.
After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes
back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he
challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of
the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a
wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course
where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he
can talk to her.
“Well”, she asks, “How has your game been?”
“Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the
country and never lost a game.”
“And how about your sex life?”
“Oh, not bad.”
“Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy’s sex life. Say, how many times did
you have sex last year?”
“Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times.”
“And you call that not bad?”
“Not for a priest with a small parish.”
Unreasonable bill
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:”Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn’t you. -$50.00.”