Two flies land on a turd.
The first one lifts his leg and farts.
The second one says, “Jeez, man, I’m trying to eat!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Author: admin
Definitions
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
Broken Commandmants
Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often “adopted” by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an ‘Uncle’ to the family’s little 5 year old daughter.
One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said, “We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They’re always broke!”
A consultant is an ordinary person a long…
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
Two Italian Men
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly, “in this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man, “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”
Your friend
Q: Whets the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Little Old Lady
A little old lady walked up to the cashier and placed a bag of cat food on the check out counter. The cashier said, I’m sorry but I can’t sell you that cat food. Why not? asked the little old lady. The cashier replided.. we have had complants that some senior citizens who don’t have very much money are buying pet food and eating eat, and it’s not healthy for them. If you can prove to me that you own a cat, then I can sell you the cat food.
The little old lady left the store and returned about an hour later with her cat, purchased the cat food and went home.
About a week later she tried to buy a 50 pound bag of dog food and the cashier said, mam, we went thru this before, show me that you own a dog and then I can sell you the dog food. The little old left and in an hour she returned with her dog and purchased the dog food.
A couple of weeks passed by, the little old lady walked into the store with a small box in her hands, walked up to the same cashier smiled and told her to stick her finger into the hole in the box. The cashier replied…I’m not sticking my finger in that box, there could be a snake in there and I could get bit. Oh no, replied the little old lady, I would’nt do anything to hurt you. Just to humor the lady the cashier stuck her finger into the hole and when she pulled it out the little old lady told her to smell it. The cashier smelled her finger, her nose turned up and she said Damn, that smells just like shit. The little old smiled and said, That’s exactly what it is… Now, can I purchase 4 rolls of toilet paper?
Fags who like girls.
Why did the fag have sex with a girl?
Because she was a transvestite.
Building a bridge
A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.
The genie says, “For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!”
The man thinks for a minute, and says, “I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I’m scared of flying and tend to get seasick.”
The genie replies, “My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I’m sorry, but it just can’t be done. Please choose another wish!”
The man thinks for a minute, and says, “I want to be able to understand women.”
The genie pauses for a moment and says –
“So, this bridge you want…two lanes or four?”
El rey de la selva
El rey de la selva invit� a todos los animales a un gran banquete con una condici�n: al final, el animal m�s feo se quedar�a a lavar los trastes.
Cuando termin� la comida, el le�n empez� a escrutar a todos los animales para determinar qui�n se quedar�a. Primero pas� la jirafa y �sta dijo:
“Yo no puedo ser el animal m�s feo, pues mi largo cuello y esbelto cuerpo es hermoso”.
Pas� el pavo real: “Yo con mis hermosas y suaves plumas no puedo ser”.
Siguieron pasando los dem�s animales, hasta que al final se quedaron tan s�lo el chango y el orangut�n. Se miran uno al otro, y despu�s de unos segundos el chango propone:
“Ya, no te hagas: yo los lavo y t� los enjuagas”.
Small Objects
Why didn’t the blonde give her boyfriend a blow job?
Because even blondes know it is dangerous to put small objects
in your mouth!
Your mammas so ugly
your mammas so ugly she entered a ugly contest and they sed no profesionals please