Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
Author: admin
Bear Tracks
Two blondes are walking in the forest.
One looks down and says, “Look, deer tracks”.
The other blonde looks down and says, “Those aren’t deer tracks, those are bear tracks”.
Half an hour later they were still arguing, when the train hit them.
Out on the Town
A group of friends got together and went to a bar for happy hour. Little did they realize that a cop was around the corner just waitin’ for some poor, inebriated soul to attempt to operate a motor vehicle. Sure enough, about two hours later, a fella came out and headed for his car.
Of course, not in a straight line. No no no. This man could hardly stand, much less walk. He stopped to have a conversation with a telephone pole. He smoothed his hair while looking at himself in a stopsign. He even lit his Bic pen and had a smoke during his escapade. The cop waited patiently for this guy to get behind the wheel and start driving. The man dropped his keys several times, and even had to sit down and take a short break.
Meanwhile, the group of friends headed out to their cars and drove away. The cop waited. Finally, the moment of truth. The man finally managed to start his car and begin driving. Immediately, the office turned on his lights and pulled the unfortunate patron over. A sobriety test ensued. The man passed every test with flying colors!
The policeman administed the breathalizer, and the result was 0.0. The cop was quite pissed. “I don’t understand it. A while ago you could hardly stay conscious, and now this?” exclaimed the cop. “What’s the story?”
The man replied smugly, “My friends and I are very responsible when it comes to drinking. Today was my turn to be the designated decoy.”
What’s in the bag?
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says “meow” in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says “woof” in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts “potato” to the officer.
Shop Keeper!
one day, a man wanted to apply for being a shopkeeper in a
grocery store. So he then walked in to the shop and said,” umm,
i want to be a shopkeeper.” Then the manager said,”u any good?”
there was silence for a moment so then the manager takes the man
and shows him around and sez,” O.K., we will start with a simple
question of a fine product of ours , OK?” and the man said OK.
So, the man pretended as a customer and asked,” how much for
this pencil?” the man said,” i dunno?” the manager got fustrated
and said, no u idiot! you are supposed to say 25cents! ok? he
said,” yah”. So he repeated the same thing and the manager was
pleased.Then he asked,” how good is it?” the stupid man said,”
Beats me!” and so the manager said,” no u moron!” it is best u
can get!!!” so the man said ok. he repeated himself again and
said,” So should i buy it?” the man said,” how am i supposed to
no!” the manager got fustrated and said,” u are supposed to say
u better or someone else will!” so he said ok
The manager was satified so the stupid man was hired. A
bad ass punk walked in and said ,” how old u kid?” he said
25cents! then the punk said,” are u nuts?” the man said,” best u
can get!” the punk then said,” my GOSH!, want me to punch u in
the balls?” The stupid man replied with his last words as a
man,” u better or someone else will!!!”
Dumb Indian Mother
There was a indian boy and his mother. Mom can I ask you something? Sure. Where did you get my name? Same way i got ur brother and sister on the way to the hospital to have you. I named you of what i saw on the way there. I saw flowing creek which is ur sister and tall wide tree which is ur brother. Why do you ask 2 dogs peeing?
Bush
Why does Sadamm Husseins wife have no pubic hair?
Because when he is in bed he doesnt want to see Bush.
Wave at her.
Q. What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A. Wave at her.
Blonde Guy
He was so blonde that…
- he spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate”
- he thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
- if you gave him a penny for intelligence, you’d get change back
- under “education” on his job application, he put “Hooked On Phonics”
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- he studied for a blood test – and failed
- he thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted), he went home and got16 friends
- he thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company
- when he was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left”, he turned around and went home
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street…
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying
on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the
crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
“A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a
little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
“Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic.
But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe
I can be of some comfort to this man.”
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man
lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
“Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under
the O, 72. . .”
The Pastor’s Plights
It was a sunny day in the Big Apple, but a poor black preacher was having enough troubles already. His rent was due, and his little chapel was losing so many of his fellow followers, that he was about to jump out into the street when the pastor who had been “robbing” him just happened to to turn the corner.
“What’s the matter with you, my brother?”
“I’m about to lose all my friends to your church and my rent is due.”
“Well, not much i can do about the rent, but I can give you a little help with the patrons of yo little chapel.”
“shoot fo’.”
And the rich preacher pulled out a genuine 1846 gold pocketwatch, and said proudly but softly, “whenever yo audience is about to sleep, just sway this back and forth, and they’ll do whatever you want.”
“can i borrow dat?”
“fo’ sho’.”
The next week, the rich pastor checks in with the poor pastor, but he looks even more down in the dumps.
“Well? Didn’t it work?”
“Hey yeah it worked.”
“Then why so low?”
“Well, I tried out yo hypnosis thing, and the audience went into a trance. I said the sermon, I swayed the medallion, and told the audience to applaud. It was so thunderous, you couldn’t do better in an opera house! But then, the chain snapped, and I yelled, ‘SHIT!’. It’ll be a miracle if we can get the chapel cleaned up!”
A little boy walks up
A little boy walks up to preacher after morning service and says “When I
grow up, I’m gonna give you a lot of money!”.
The preacher laughs and says
“That’s great, why?”.
The little boy answers “‘Cause my dad says you’re the
poorest preacher we ever had!”