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Lawyer at the Pearly Gates.

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A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really
quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter –
“Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!”

Contagious

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A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, ‘Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.’

‘Well done Roland,’ says the teacher. ‘Can anyone else try?’

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, ‘My Gran says there’s a bug going round and it’s contagious.’

‘Well done, Katie,’ says the teacher. ‘Anyone else?’

Little Johnny jumps up and says, ‘Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.’

Translations

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These translations are for all women out there:

“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned… but I forgot your birthday.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”
Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”
Translated: “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Poem: Glad to be a man

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Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don’t wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t go through a faze every 28 days Man, I’m glad I’m a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don’t take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail I don’t buy a lot of shoes just because they’re on sale I don’t apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I’m glad I’m a man Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I’d never leave the house I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date I don’t play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot’s always dry I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don’t mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don’t take a pill, I don’t use Massengill Man, I’m glad I’m a man Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin’ Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Presidential Quiz

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A – Bill Clinton
B – Warren G. Harding
C – Andrew Jackson
D – Thomas Jefferson
E – Lyndon B. Johnson
F – John F. Kennedy
G – Franklin D. Roosevelt
H – George Washington

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to “push the button” in case of nuclear attack?

2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?

3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife’s half sister?

5. Which president called his mistress “Pookie”?

6. Which president married a woman who hadn’t yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an “adulterer” during his re-election campaign?

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor’s wife while he was engaged to someone else?

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady’s personal secretary?

9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?

10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?

11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more “impressive” (i.e. numerous) than the President’s?

12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his p***s (which he named Jumbo)?

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Scroll down for answers …

ANSWERS

1. F
2. A
3. E
4. D
5. A
6. C
7. H, E
8. G, F
9. B
10. F
11. E
12. E

Dyslexic Skiers

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Two Dyslexic Skiers were at the top of a mountain in the Alps getting ready to ski down to the bottom.The first one said to his mate, “Come on then, let’s Zig Zag all the way down.”His friend replied, “No, no, you’ve got it wrong. We should be Zag Zigging down.””It’s Zig-Zag” said the first.”No it’s Zag-Zig” argued his mate.Then they saw a guy on a sled waiting to take a run down the slope. They asked his opinion on their dilemma.”Is it Zig-Zag or Zag-Zig?” asked the first skier.”I don’t know, I’m a tobogganist” he replied.”Oh, ok” said the second skier “I’ll have 20 Marlboros instead please.”