Redneck quickies 9

You might be a redneck if…

Birds are attracted to your beard.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.

Charlie’s Hole In One

Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours
late. His wife asks him, “What took you so long?”

The guy says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the
first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart
attack.”

The guy’s wife says, “That’s terrible!”

The guy says, “I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball,
drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . .”

A lady and her baby…

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at
the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, “AHHHH!
That’s the ugliest child I’ve ever seen in my life!”
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of
the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man
asks, “Are you ok, dear?”

The lady replies, “I’m so angry, that bus driver just
insulted me.”

The man says, “You go back up there and give that bus
driver a piece of your mind, and I’ll watch your monkey.”

Baked Beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a
very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet
and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on.”

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months
later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived
in the country she called her husband and told him that she would
be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small
diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk
off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the  diner and before she knew it, she had
consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the
way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could
control any lingering effects.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
“Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She
seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from
his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was
out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to
one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
rotten egg gone worse.

When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her
blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said “Surprise!”

Death On Oak Street

Mary Sue passed away in the middle of the night, so her husband,
Bubba, called 911. The operator answering the call said they
would be sending someone over right away.

“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Bubba answered, “At the end of Eucalyptus Lane.”

Then the operator asked, “Could you spell that for me?”

There was a long pause, until Bubba finally said, “How about if
I drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there?”

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming…

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and
bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade
route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him,
with old, dirty clothes on. The the guy’s amazement, when the Pope came, he
went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy
went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next
day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the
Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, “I
thought I told you to get the hell out of here!”