Husband Nicknames

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, “Let’s name our Larrys after a soda pop, because I’m tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry.”

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, “Okay then, I’m gonna name my Larry 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it’s always up!”

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, “I’m gonna name my Larry Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week.”

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, “You know, those two Larrys were good, but I’m gonna name my Larry, Jack Daniels.”

The other two ladies shout in unison, “Jack Daniels? That’s not a soda pop… that’s a hard liquor!”

The third lady bursts out, “That’s my Larry!!”

French Countryside Visions

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his
initial shock he said to himself, ‘Ah, young love… ze spring
time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!’ and continued to
watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and
said, ‘Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman – she is dead!’ and he
hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the
police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
‘Jean… Jean zere is zis man, zis woman… naked in farmer
Gaston’s field making love.’ The police chief smiled and said;
‘Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love,
ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is ok.’

‘Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!’

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the
station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field,
confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop
to call the doctor:

‘Pierre, Pierre, … this is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field; zere
is a young couple naked ‘aving sex ‘

To which Pierre replied, ‘Jean, I am a man of science. You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is
very natural.’

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, ‘NON, you do not
understand; ze woman, she is dead!’

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, ‘Mon dieu!’ grabbed his black
medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other
tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to
Gaston’s field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back
to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got
there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, ‘Ah, mes amis,
do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British.’

Olympics

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop
souvenirs and autographs.

The first says, “Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack
in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.”

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus
MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.” He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the
registration attendant.

The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of
registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events,
meal tickets, and other information.”

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and
roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada.
Javelin.”

The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration
materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!”

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration
table and states: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.”

The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration
materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.”

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan –
OH NO. He’s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he
doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up
the registration table and states: “Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing.”

From the “Say What?” file

From the “Say What?” file — true story: I’m taking two classes
this semester, one of which is Public Policy. Our professor is an
adjunct; nice lady, tries too hard. Anyway, a few weeks ago, we’re
covering a chapter on environmental politics, and she casts an
overhead with facts and figures on some of the more powerful
environmental lobbying groups. Among them is the Audubon Society.
If you do not know what the Audubon Society is, then stop reading.

So one of the students asks, “What is the Audubon Society?” (Bird
watchers, if you ignored my previous instructions.) To which the
professor replies:

“I don’t know, I think it’s a group to protect that road in
Germany.”

It hits me like a spear. “She did not just say that, did she?” I
think to myself. I look up — and she’s serious.

“That’s Auto-BAHN, not Audubon!” I reply, only to be drowned out by
the chorus of students in the back who are either laughing or
yelling, “Birds! Birds!”

“What?” she says.

I reply, “It’s a group organized for the protection of birds.”

She stays silent for a moment, then responds, “Well, what kind of
bird is an audubon, is it a spotted owl or something?”

I swear to God — true story.

A Kind Lawyer?

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.”Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man.”We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied.”Oh, come along with me then.””But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.”But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.”Bring them as well!” They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”The lawyer replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!”

Hospital Bills

On the way out of the hospital after surgery, the patient
stopped by the billing office to pay up.

The room cost was $650 a day, medication was $200 a day, tests
totalled $3,800 and the doctor cost $2,800.

Upon inspection of the bill, the patient exclaims, “Over $7,000
fucking dollars. They must think I’m crazy!”

The clerk responded, “I guess not sir, there’s no charge on here
for any psychological evaluation.”