YO MOM IS LIIK A SQURRIL—ALWAYZ HAZ NUTZ IN HER MOUTH
Author: admin
Un torero recib�a las �ltimas
Un torero recib�a las �ltimas instrucciones de su maestro, antes de salir por primera vez al ruedo. Le fue recomendado que el secreto estaba en colocar el capote a la altura de “las pelotas” y dejar que el toro pase por el capote.
El torero novato espera en la mitad de la plaza y de pronto sale un toro de 500 kgs. y en la primera embestida, con el capote puesto a la altura del cuello, lo arroja violentamente por los aires.
Su maestro, consternado y en camino hacia el hospital, le reclama el porqu� no cumpli� con haber colocado el capote a la altura de “las pelotas”, respondi�ndole el torero:
“Con la salida de ese animal, d�nde crees que las ten�a…”
Outrun the bear
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”
“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
De-evolution
At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more
lawyers than humans.
Sales Team Incentive
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. “Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.” “What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”
Small…
True story:
About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.
At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.
With my gown raised, she uttered the words, “Okay, small prick,” and proceeded with the injection.
I’m still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.
Orchestra joke
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
‘R’ Monica & Bill at the Supreme Court
Oral Sex Oral Argument Will the justices know it when they see it?’But Ginsburg suggested Lewinsky may say she and Clinton engaged in an act other than intercourse. ‘What’s the president’s definition of sex?’ he asked in an interview minutes after Clinton’s statement.’–USA Today, Jan. 27, 1998Justice O’Connor: I am trying to get my mind around this theory, Counselor.Mr. Bennett: Yes, Your Honor.Justice O’Connor: You say it was not sex? Though the affidavit and counsel all attest that she … did as the affidavit attests?Mr. Bennett: Your honor, we are proposing that not everything that looks like sex is sex and that some things that do not look like sex are in fact sex. To me, ministering to a person’s toes in a particular way does not look like sex, but I am reliably told it is sex. On the other hand, say you visit your doctor and your doctor fingers your anatomy, to find lumps or sores or whatever. That’s not sex.Justice Kennedy: Sorry, Mr. Bennett, are you suggesting that your client was being checked for testicular cancer?Mr. Bennett: Not exactly, Your Honor. We are saying that a mere sexlike act does not, prima facie, constitute sex. Sometimes it is something else. My client allowed himself to be attended to in a very particular fashion but, as you have seen, it was for his health.Justice Thomas: I have had that operation, and it works. [Image] Mr. Bennett: Yes, Your Honor. Now, it would have been sex had it been something else–say, a procreative type of act. All major religions categorize that type of act as sex, which is why they oppose it except in very particular circumstances. But the type of act that my client was engaged in–no, he was not lying when he said he had not had sex, or else every woman in the country is having an affair with her gynecologist. Justice Scalia: I don’t believe that women actually enjoy these gynecological examinations. There’s a difference, isn’t there? Mr. Bennett: Your honor, we maintain that my client also did not enjoy the particular operations in which the young woman assisted him. Justice Scalia: ‘Assisted him’? Mr. Bennett: Well, he could not do it by himself, could he? Justice Thomas: Some people can! [Image] Justice Scalia: If this was a necessary medical act, for his well-being and so forth, why didn’t he go to his doctor to have it done? Mr. Bennett: I take your point, Your Honor, but have you seen his doctor? Justice Scalia: No, but I thought he needed an ‘assistant,’ not a sex object. That’s your point, isn’t it? If he needed a sex object, then it was sex, wasn’t it? [Image] Mr. Bennett: If you will bear with me, Your Honor, he needed a sex object to help him with a sexlike but nonsexual act. It is in the nature of this particular operation to require the assistance of a person who is, shall we say, physically qualified. Justice Rehnquist: So he could not have had, say, a middle-age man do it for him? Mr. Bennett: No, sir, not as I understand the matter. Justice Breyer: How about a younger man? Say, a 21-year-old college wrestler who has worked up a good sweat? That might work, mightn’t it? Mr. Bennett: Your honor, we may be losing sight of the point, which is that even if he did go to such a person for this particular operation, and the operation was successful, then of course that also would not have been sex. [Image] Justice Stevens: Look, his wife could do it, couldn’t she?Mr. Bennett: Your honor, she in fact did do it, but that also was not sex. It was not the procreative-type act, and the procreative-type act is what defines sexual relations within the context of matrimony. Moreover, she has not done it very much lately.Justice Scalia: So what he was doing with the young woman, these ‘treatments’ … that would have been adulterous nonsex?Justice O’Connor: Honestly, Counselor, I have never heard a more amazing argument in my life. Surely you can’t maintain that his looking after this particular health need, as you call it, which is so highly pleasurable, is like having kidney dialysis or getting an enema?Mr. Bennett: Your honor, he did not take pleasure in it. We have stipulated to that effect on numerous occasions and under oath. It was not enjoyable for him, except insofar as it was a purely physical release. It was a treatment for him. Of course, the release of any physical pressure is always pleasurable in some sense–for instance, when the [Illustration by Robert Neubecker]summons of nature is answered after a particularly long period of time–but it was not done for pleasure. [Image] Justice Souter: What if someone else did it with her? I mean, would that be sex, in the government’s view, or does this rule apply only to him? I mean, what if she treated the vice president? Mr. Bennett: That would depend on how much that person needed it. My understanding is that the vice president does not need it or do it, but if he did it, it would be sex, because he can get along just fine without it. Justice Kennedy: So how are we supposed to be so sure that your client has this sort of intense medical-type need, as distinct from, I don’t know–an ordinary sexual-type need? I mean, you want us to take his word for it, is that it, plus these expert witnesses you’ve corralled? Mr. Bennett: Your honor, if this had been something less than an essential medical-type need, do you think he would have been so thoughtless as to risk his office and his place in history merely for sex? Justice Kennedy: No. That would be implausible. [Image] Jonathan Rauch is a national correspondent of National Journal in Washington. Illustrations by Robert Neubecker. [Image]
Picachu Riddle
Q . How do you get a Picachu on a bus?A . Poke him on!
Bread is Dangerous
Important Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.
Why Beer is Better than Women
Why Beer is Better than Women
1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN’T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.
13. A BEER WON’T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU’LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU’RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESN’T DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESN’T CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would…
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
– David Daye