You might be a redneck if you turned your child in to the police because you thought he/she was Hooked on Phonics.
Author: admin
BMW
Why do blondes like BMW’s? Because they can spell it
Study again
Vova brought home his grade book. Vova’s father looked at it and said, “I see
you misbehaved. For example, it says here that you smoked in class.”
“You call it smoke? I just found a cigarette butt and only could inhale two
times.”
“Maybe. But here it says you came to the school drunk.”
“You call it drunk? I only found in garbage a bottle with a few drops of
vodka…”
“Maybe. But here it says you tried to rape an old cleaning woman.”
“Try! But I did not do it after all.”
“I see you need a lesson.”
Next day the father took Vova to his office. He showed him to a deep leather
chair, and when Vova took the seat, the father offered him a cigar. Vova puffed,
and the father poured for Vova a glass of French brandy. As Vova drank, his
father opened the door and pointed at his young and pretty secretary.
“How do you like it, Vova?”
“Very much, father.”
“So, to smoke good cigars, and to drink good brandy, and to have a young and
pretty secretary, one has to study, to study, and once again to study!”
Moses and Bush
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?”The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”The man continued to peruse the ceiling.George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”George W. asked him why he was so uppity.Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”
Mayonnaise
An eight year old boy, and a nineteen year old boy with his girlfriend were going to bed.
The nineteen year old and his girlfriend were on the top bunk and the eight year old took the bottom bunk.
The couple on the top bunk wanted to have sex. But their was only one problem…..the eight year old on the bottom bunk. So the girl said let’s make up keywords so we don’t scare him. Lettuce will be harder and tomatoe will be rollover.
All through the night the only thing the puzzled boy heard was lettuce, tamatoe, lettuce, tomatoe, lettuce, tomatoe.
the couple was in the middle of their pleasure when the boy said…….
Would you guys stop making sandwiches up their, you’re dripping mayonnaise on me
Important Guy
From London Times via Car and Driver: Comrade Gorbachev is being driven from his dacha to Moscow and is in a hurry. He is getting irritated with the slowness of his driver.”Can’t you go any faster?” he says angrily.”I have to obey the speed limits,” says the driver. Finally Gorbachev orders the driver into the back and takes the wheel. Sure enough a patrol car soon pulls them over. The senior officer orders the junior to go write up the ticket. But the junior officer comes back and says he can’t give them a ticket, the person in the car is too important. “Well, who is it?” the senior officer asks. “I didn’t recognize him,” says the junior officer, “but Comrade Gorbachev is his chauffeur.”
Angering the Irishman
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the
Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said,
“Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick
was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just
don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman
walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear
your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right.
He’s unshakable!”
The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.”
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder
and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”
“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”
Estaban tres cient�ficos discutiendo: un
Estaban tres cient�ficos discutiendo: un norteamericano, un cubano y un argentino. Hablaban sobre cu�l pa�s estaba mejor en la ciencia. El cubano dice:
“Mi pa�s est� mejor; f�jense que naci� un ni�o sin piernas, se le puso patas de caballo y ahora es el mejor corredor del mundo.”
“Mi pa�s est� mejor”, interrumpe el nortamericano, “naci� un ni�o sin brazos, se le puso manos mec�nicas y ahora es el mejor escultor.”
Y el argentino dice:
“No, no, no… mi pa�s est� mejor. Naci� un ni�o sin cabeza. Entonces se consigui� un coco, se rellen� de mierda, se le peg�, al ni�o se le mand� a estudiar; al tiempo se postul� para las elecciones y hoy d�a es el Presidente de Argentina.”
Mexican english
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”
The mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence”.
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.”
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?”
Butternut
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Butternut.
Butternut who?
Butternut tell me you aren’t home!
Bills or change?
This lady goes to the gynecologist but won’t tell the receptionist what’s wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor.
After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in.
Ok my good woman what is your problem the doctor asks.
Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles.
So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can’t get it out.
The doctor says, don’t be nervous I see this happen all the time.
He asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says: I only have one question.
What am I looking for?
Bills or loose change?
Healing power
An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was talking about the healing powers of God.
“To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the screen and I will heal you!” the preacher exclaimed.
The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the T.V.
The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants.
His wife looks over at him and says, “Gordon, the preacher is talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo