The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by
his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice
was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and
Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night the VP tossed
and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would
lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would
be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one
of
the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. “I’ve
got
a difficult decision” the VP says, “I either have to lay you or Jack off.”
“Oh, jack-off” Mary says, “I’ve got a headache.”
Author: admin
The Top 16 Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work
16> “Actually, I’ve been here for over 20 minutes, big guy — I was
just out chillin’ in the van waiting for the end of the live version of
‘Freebird’.”
15> “I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line
you’re on.”
14> “We’re *open* on Tuesdays?!?”
13> “It took this long to get the ol’ blood alcohol level down to
the legal driving limit.”
12> “I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with
overwhelming aggressive impulsies by reassuring myself that nothing
would happen today that would push me over the edge.”
11> “My proctologist got stuck.”
10> “It was Senator Kennedy’s turn to drive today, so I’ve spent the
last hour swimming.”
9> “I’m late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy
shipping department to send the company’s office supplies directly to
the winner of my eBay auction.”
8> “Hey, time becomes meaningless when you’re as strung out on
crystal meth as I am.”
7> “Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a
windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.”
6> “Heidi Klum refused to untie me.”
5> “On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man
comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength
anti-canker sore gel.”
4> “I’m sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you — uh — this box
of ten donuts.”
3> “It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this
morning… Sir.”
2> “My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by ‘my dog’ I mean
your wife, and by ‘ate my presentation’ I mean ‘was boinking me’.”
1> “These are not the ‘droids you’re looking for.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
New Government Warnings
As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warings on Alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negitive effects. This is also an increasing occurence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention, that a few additional warning may be appropritate.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10”.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read…
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
Batteryeis
your mammas so stupid that I gave her a battery and she stuck it up her but
and said I got the power…
Little Indian
There once was a janitor and he was cleaning the restroom so he opened up the stall. There he found a little, tiny Indian. “Well, how long have you been down there little guy,” says the janitor. The Indian replies,”Many MOONS, Many MOONS.” Pretty funny if you get it!
Having Babies Questions
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear…a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and have sex.(The daughter looks puzzled.)
Mom continues: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddy’s room, you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
Faith
Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, “Excuse me, sisters. I’m not of your religion, but I couldn’t help admiring your faith!”
You know you are in college too long when…
* You consider McDonald’s “real food”
* You actually like doing laundry at home
* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends
* It starts getting late on the weeknights
* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party
* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it
* You’d rather clean than study
* “Oh wow, how did it get so late!” comes out of your mouth at least once a night
* Half the time you don’t wake up in your own bed and it seems normal
* Minesweeper (or Solitaire) is more than a game it’s a way of life
* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps
* You know the pizza boy by name
* You go to sleep when it’s light and get up when it’s dark
* You live for getting mail
* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment
* Prank phone calls become funny again
* It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on
* Whole wars can take place, and you are clueless (no connection to the outside world)
* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate
* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth
* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime
* You find out milk crates have so many uses
* Wal-mart is the coolest store
* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)
* You are sitting around making lists about how you know you’ve been in college too long
Baby Noises Explanations?
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Assistants
5. I’m not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I’m always available.
3. It doesn’t matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
Rover the Brick
A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a
dog leash. He decides to go and humor him. He walks up to the man and says,
”Hello, sir, I like your dog!”
The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, ”It’s not a dog,
it’s a brick.”
The policeman replies, ”Oh, sorry, I thought you were a bit mad,” and walks
off rather puzzled.
As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says,
”That fooled him, didn’t it Rover?”
Un hombre se dirige a
Un hombre se dirige a Texas para hablar con el Gran Jefe de un campamento indio. Una vez all�, se encuentra con un ind�gena y le pregunta:
“�D�nde puedo encontrar al Gran Jefe?”
El nativo le responde:
“Gran Jefe Indio estar en gran cascada”.
“�Y d�nde est� la gran cascada?”
Molesto, el apache le responde:
“�Mi no saber, hoy casc�rsela aqu� y ma�ana por all�!”