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Wedding practical joke

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A secret pregnant loverAt the rehearsal dinner for my boss’ daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn’t marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss’ wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.

Redneck quickies 22

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You might be a redneck if…

You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!”

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Play Ball…”

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

On stag night, you take a real deer.

You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

There is more oil in your cap than in your car.

Grand Canyon

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One day, a retarded boy and his father decide to take a trip to
the Grand Canyon.

Upon their arival in the giant crack, the father yells out
“HELLOOO!” They hear the echo going “Helloo!” “hellooo”

The retarded boy is amazed at the echo, and tries yelling
something himself, “Yeref erad uauff kaschader!” The echo came
back, “What the fuck did you say?”

Hair in my spaghetti

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Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary’s pussy.

The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out.

He screams, “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!”

The waiter says, “Can I help you, sir?”

Gary yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!”

The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.

Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair.”

Gary says, “Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?”

Dash From Hospital

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A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs.

Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient.

The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, “Miss Jones, I said ‘Prick his boil!”

Fat lady and her beeper

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Johny and his mom went shopping. Johny saw this fat lady and
asid to his mom, “Mom look at that big fat lady over there! Look
at the fat lady!” Mom got really mad at him and told him to not
say that kind of stuff about people.

They went into another store and the fat lady was there again.
Johny said again, “Look mommy there’s the fat lady again! Look
at the big fat lady, mom!” This time his mom was furious and
said, “You wont’t say anything bad about anyone anymore will
you?” “No.” Said Johny. So they continued shoping.

They saw the fat lady again and Johny didn’t say anything. When
they went to the cashier the fat lady was in front of them and
her beeper went “Beep! Beep!” And Johny said, “Watch out mommy,
she’s backing up!”