what did the man say when he walked into the bar
OUCH
Author: admin
Stand Up Comic
The stand-up comic was not funny. His jokes never got a laugh. But he persisted in getting up every night at the coffee-shop and go through his whole routine. Boos and jeers never stopped him.
Finally one regular at the establishment brought a dozen eggs and started belting him with them as he told his stories. This got more laughs than the jokes, and every day more and more patrons would bring eggs to pelt him. He actually enjoyed being pelted for for the first time in his life he was getting laughs.
His nightly appearnce became one of the highlights of each evening and the crowds had never been larger. One day he didn’t show up and investigation revealed he had died. The entire clientelle went to the funeral, and as they passed the open coffen each threw in eggs until the coffin was overflowing.
It was impossible to close the coffin so he couldn’t be buried until some of the eggs were removed.
Moral: …DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) – Stafford Beer
A quote on marriage
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
Little boy at a nude beach
A little kid goes to a nude beach with his parents. He sees a naked girl and says “Mommy, mommy! That lady has bigger tits than you do!” So his mom says “The bigger your tits are the dumber you are.” Then the little boy sees a naked guy and says “Mommy, mommy! That man has a bigger dick than daddy!” So the mom says, “The bigger your dick is the dumber you are.” Then the little boy sees something else. He says, “Mommy, mommy! Daddy is talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and he keeps getting dumber and dumber!”
Max the Schlemiel
Max, the schlemiel, can’t find a job. He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.
After a week, he is told, “Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don’t use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!”
Too Much Sex
“Doctor, I’ve got this problem,” a man says. “My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over.””So what seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.”Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac,” the man continued. “I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep.””I still don’t know what your problem is,” said the doctor.”You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.”
A Wise Chick Once Said.
Cheesy porn is like that one loser ex-boyfriends dick….both were put on earth to be laughed at.
Va un hombre por la
Va un hombre por la playa con su mujer, y ella le pide que le compre un bikini, a lo que �l le dice:
“Con ese cuerpo de lavadora, ni lo pienses.”
Siguen caminando y le insiste la mujer:
“Bueno c�mprame ese vestido.”
Y repite el esposo: “Con ese cuerpo de lavadora ni lo pienses.”
Pasa el d�a y por la noche, ya en la cama, el marido le dice a la esposa:
“Entonces que, vieja �echamos a andar la lavadora?”
Y la mujer le dice:
“Para ese mugre trapito, mejor l�valo a mano.”
Vasalene market research
An salesman of Vasalene cream was doing a bit of market research
on his product, going house to house and asking people what they
thought of the product. Towards the end of the day he knocked
on the door of his last house and a woman in her early thirties
answered.
The salesman introduced himself and asked if he could ask the
woman a few question about his product, which she agreed to.
The first thig he asked her was “how effective do you find our
product”
“Very” she answered “It alway does the job required of it”
“Do you ming if I ask what it is you normally use the cream for”
enquired the salesman.
“Certainly, I use it for sex” answered the woman.
Well the salesman was a little taken back by this “That’s a very
candid answer miss, I mean, we know our product is used like
this, but no one ever admits to it. Would it be too personal to
ask how it is used?”
“Not at all” said the woman “when me and my husband are feeling
frisky in the bedroom, we put some of your cream on the door
handle, to keep the kids out!”
Your Cartoon Charcter
Ever wondered which cartoon character you are most like? Well, a
team of researchers got together and analyzed the personalities
of cartoon characters, and put the information gathered into
this quiz. Answer each question with the answer that most
describes you, then add up the points that correspond with your
answer. Don’t cheat!!!!!!! Then send this to all your friends
including the person who sent it to you with your cartoon
character in the subject line.
1. What describes your perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner for two
b) Amusement Park
c) Rollerblading in the park
d) Rock Concert
e) See a movie
2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll
b) Alternative
c) Soft Rock
d) Classical
e) Popular
3. What is your favorite type of movie?
a) Comedy
b) Horror
c) Musical
d) Romance
e) Documentary
4. Which of the following jobs would you chose if you were given
only these choices?
a) Waiter/Waitress
b) Sports Player
c) Teacher
d) Policeman
e) Bartender
5. Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste?
a) work out
b) Read
c) Watch TV
d) Listen to the radio
e) Sleep
6. Of the following colors, which do you like the best?
a) yellow
b) white
c) sky blue
d) teal
e) red
7. Which one of the following would you like to eat right now?
a) ice cream
b) pizza
c) sushi
d) pasta
e) salad
8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween
b) Christmas
c) New Year’s
d) Valentine’s Day
e) Thanksgiving
9. If you could go to any of the following places, which would
it be?
a) Paris
b) Spain
c) Las Vegas
d) Hawaii
e) Hollywood
10. Of the following, who would you rather spend time with?
a) Someone who is smart
b) Someone with good looks
c) Someone who is a party animal
d) Someone who has fun all the time
e) Someone who is very emotional
Now total up your points and find your character below:
1. a 4 2. a 2 3. a 2 4. a 4 5. a 5
b 2 b 1 b 1 b 5 b 4
c 5 c 4 c 3 c 3 c 2
d 1 d 5 d 4 d 2 d 1
e 3 e 3 e 5 e 1 e 3
6. a 1 7. a 3 8. a 1 9. a 4 10. a 5
b 5 b 2 b 3 b 5 b 2
c 3 c 1 c 2 c 1 c 1
d 2 d 4 d 4 d 2 d 3
e 4 e 5 e 5 e 3 e 4
10-17 points: You are TAZ. You are wild and crazy and you know
it. You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes.
You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of
your own life. People don’t always see things your way, but that
doesn’t mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to
remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and
others.
18-26 points: You are Bugs Bunny You are fun, friendly, and
popular. You are a real crowd pleaser. You have probably been
out on the town your share of times, yet you come home with the
values that your mother taught you. Marriage and children are
important to you, but only after you have fun. Don’t let the
people you please influence you to stray.
27-34 points: You are Tweety You are cute, and everyone loves
you. You are a best friend that no one takes a chance of losing.
You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt.
Life is a breeze. You are witty, and calm most of the time. Just
keep clear of backstabbers, and you are worry free.
35-42 points: You are Peppe Le Pew (without the smell) You are
a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy
yourself. You are serious about all commitments. A family
person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a
Birthday. Don’t let your passion for romance get confused with
the real thing.
43-50 points: You are Speedy Gonzales You are smart, a real
thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very
healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family values. Keep
your feet planted in them but don’t overlook a bad situation
when it does happen.
Affairs of state
President Clinton starts walking around the White House and going to meetings with a pair of pink ladies’ panties on his arm.Reporters and staff observe this phenomenon with wonderment, but nobody’s brave enough to ask the President what he’s up to. Finally, at an afternoon press conference, Cokie Robertson asks why he has a pair of panties on his arm. Clinton replies: ‘It’s the patch. I’m trying to quit.’