During a get-together at my son’s house, he had prepared quite a feast. In spite of the extra pounds I’d gained the previous winter, I forged ahead and loaded my plate.”Dad !” he said, eyeing my repast, “I thought you were on a diet.””I am!” I replied, “But I need all of this to give me the strength to go on.”
Author: admin
My Car Is Shtolen!
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, “Can I help you lad?”
“Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!”, the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, “Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?”
“It was at the end of this key.”
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman’s member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, “Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans “OOH GOD… they got me girl too!”
You’ve ever held somebody up
You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Nobody has so many friends that he can afford…
Nobody has so many friends that he can afford to lose one.
– Edward Abbey
HR Consulting Report
HR Consultant: “Here’s my final consulting report on your company. I’ve listed all the dead-weight employees who should be fired.”Boss: “This is the company directory.”HR Consultant: “Finding that was a huge time-saver.”
The Tragedy at the Mall
Did you hear bout the tragedy at the mall??
There was a power shortage at the mall and 4 blondes were stuck on the escalator for 4 hours!!!lol
A BBS Commandment
20. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
Monica Lewinsky Virus:
Monica Lewinsky Virus: sucks your Hard Drive then spits it out…
Good Samaritan
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
“Jeez,” the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.
“Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.”
“That was nice of you,” she says, looking around…
“But where’s his wheelchair?”
(woo-hoo! that’s MEAN!
The eleventh commandment
We have all heard of the ten commandments.
Well recently a new eleventh commandment was made. Just for President Clinton.
“Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.”
How many trumpet players does it take to screw…
How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fifty, one to screw it in. and the other forty-nine to tell him how much better they
could have done it.
Dog Poetry
I Lie belly-upIn the sunshine, happier thanYou will ever be.Today I sniffedMany dogs behinds – I celebrateBy kissing your face.I sound the alarm!Paper boy come to kill us all.Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!I sound the alarm!Garbage man come to kill us all.Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!I lift my leg andGreet each bush. Hello, Spot -Sniff this and weep.My human is home!I am so ecstatic I haveMade a puddle.I hate my choke chain.Look, world, they strangle me!Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Look in my eyes andDeny it. No human couldLove you as much as I do.The cat is not all badShe fills the litter boxWith tootsie rolls.