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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.No one is listening until you make a mistake.If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
1. Look at the size of his putter
2. Oh shit my shafts all bent
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip
6. Lift your head and spread your legs
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired
8. Just turn your back and drop it
9. Hold up.. I’ve got to wash my balls
10. Damn, I missed the hole again
10. When you enter the city, your dress whites instantly turn jet black
9. Ever since Disney took over times square, all the hookers are dressed like “Goofy”
8. Ship’s propellers always getting jammed with floating mob corpses
7. When you hear “Hello Sailor!” it’s almost always in a baritone voice
6. Guys in street shouting “yo-ho-ho and a vial of crack”
5. Everyone just assumes you bought your uniform at a costume shop in the village
4. Smart-Aleck kids keep calling you popeye
3. Have to drink lots of overpriced alcohol to get that great seasick feeling
2. When a cabbie returns your salute he only uses one finger
1. You spend a week’s pay on one lapdance
Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle. The one in back says to the driver, “Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?” The one in front replies: “No! It must be the cobblestones!”and then there was…Two nuns where in the shower.One says “Where’s the soap?”The second says “Yes it does doesn’t it”
Einstein was riding on a bus, and he asks this guy what his IQ
was, the guy says 150.98 then Einstein says good we can talk
about music, and literature. He asks a second guy what his IQ
was the guy says it is 125.17 then Einstein says great we can
talk about art, and math, then he asks a third guy what his IQ
was the guy says 2.2 then Einstein says great we can talk about
the Lions.
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining
about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.
Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason
why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some
post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, “Don’t worry about a thing. He really does have
a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of
anesthetic.”
Rooney owned an Irish pub in the Bronx, and in the summertime a swarm of flies seemed to just hover over the buffet table. This had been going on for about a month when O’Malley, the neighborhood mooch, walked in one day. ”I’m not giving you another free beer!” Rooney hollered, as he noticed O’Malley.
The drunk was not without a plan, however. He approached Rooney and offered him a deal. ”I been noticing these flies for the last weeks. If you’ll give me a shot, I’ll kill every one of them for you.”
Rooney gave him the agreed-upon shot. Once he had downed it, O’Malley got up and headed for the door.
”All right,” he shouted, ”send ’em out—-one at a time!”
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on any subject. 4th RUNNER-UP: If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.3rd RUNNER-UP: Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.2nd RUNNER-UP: Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate. 1st RUNNER-UP: The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian ‘pahks his cah,’ the lost R’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to ‘warsh’ his car and invest in ‘erl’ wells.GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
A blonde and a brunette both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will
hit the bottom first?
The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and
handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each
promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three
envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to
enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and
Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old
client and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling
guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the
envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he
would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The
Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept
some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had
only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so
frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was
seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in
the lonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the
only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that
the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my
envelope contained my personal check for
the entire $25,000.
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.