Dating hints for gentlemenThere are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
Author: admin
Married Couple
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal
car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting
on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly
get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know,
this is the first time anyone has asked. “Let me go find out.” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of months…and they
began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the
eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we
stuck together forever?”
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”
“Great,”said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get
a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?”, asked the frightened couple.
“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up
here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”
A Quick Swim
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private
The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
I sent my son to college and he spent four…
I sent my son to college and he spent four years going to parties,
having fun and necking. It’s not that I’m sorry I sent him, I should
have gone myself.
-Joey Adams
Stupid things people have said or done, trying to get their computers to work
– “Can you fax me a disk?”
– “Is that a capital ‘7’?”
– “Can I buy the Internet?”
– “Oh, you mean I need a modem *and* a computer to access the Internet!”
– “I have a 464 with 8k.”
– “It says I have 512 kegabytes.”
– “I’d like to buy a box of hard disks.”
– “My wife downloaded 20 megs of free space. Is that enough?”
– “The Internet — isn’t that a microchip?”
– “Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!”
One shot
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a gun shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.”
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.
“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? Because they both drip when they’re fucked!
Dirty Sandwich
There was a girlfriend and a boyfriend on a date. They came
home to the boyfriends house and when they got inside the
boyfriend explained to his girlfriend that he shares bunkbeds
with his 7 year old brother who has the bottom bunk and they
would have to go to the top. So they would have to use
codenames. If she wanted it harder say lettuce and if she
wanted a different position say tomato. So they get into bed
and she scremed lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, tomato,
lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato, tomato, LETTUCE,
LETTUCE. Then the little brother woke up and said “hey guys
stop making sandwiches up there, your getting mayonase all over
my face”.
Una pareja de golfistas est�n
Una pareja de golfistas est�n jugando una tarde en un exclusivo campo rodeado de lujos�simas mansiones de millones de d�lares. En el hoyo 3, el marido le dice a la esposa:
“Querida, ten cuidado cuando golpees, porque si rompes una ventana nos va a costar una fortuna reponerla”.
La esposa golpea y la pelota va a dar al ventanal m�s grande de la casa m�s lujosa de la urbanizaci�n. El marido la increpa dici�ndole:
“�Te fijas, lo primero que te dije, ahora ve t� a saber cuanto va a costar esa ventana!”
El esposo se dirige a la casa, acompa�ado de lamujer, toca la puerta y una voz desde adentro le dice:
“Adelante…”
El hombre abre la puerta y mira que hay vidrio esparcido por toda la casa y una botella rota a un lado del sal�n. Un hombre elegantemente vestido, sentado en un sof� le dice:
“�Son ustedes los que han roto mi ventana?”
“Sss��…, en realidad lo sentimos mucho”.
“Bueno, la verdad me han hecho un favor… Soy un genio que he estado atrapado en esa botella por m�s de mil a�os, por lo que estoy dispuesto a conceder tres deseos, pero como son dos, haremos lo siguiente: les voy a dar un deseo a cada uno y otro me lo guardo para m�… a ver que deseas,” le dice al esposo.
“Quiero un mill�n de d�lares al mes, por el resto de mi vida”.
“Dalo por hecho, a partir de ma�ana los comenzar�s a recibir; �y t�?”, le dice a la esposa.
“Quiero tener una casa en cada pa�s del mundo.”
“Es lo menos que puedo hacer por ti, a partir de ma�ana te llegar�n los t�tulos de propiedad de las casas”.
“Bueno �y usted que desea?”, pregunta el esposo al genio.
“Miren, yo he estado atrapado en esa botella por m�s de mil a�os y en todo ese tiempo no he tenido sexo con ninguna mujer, por lo que mi deseo es acostarme con su esposa”.
Se quedan mirando el uno al otro y, finalmente, el marido dice:
“Bueno, por un mill�n de d�lares mensuales y todas esas casas, yo creo que podemos hacer una excepci�n �no crees? A m� no me importar�”.
El genio se lleva la esposa a la habitaci�n principal y luego de tener sexo por m�s de dos horas, le pregunta a la esposa:
“Por cierto, �qu� edad tiene tu marido?”
“Treinta y cinco �por que?”
“�Porque parece mentira que a los 35 a�os, todav�a existan g�evones que creen que los genios existen!”
Un sujeto regresa con una
Un sujeto regresa con una radio de transistores al lugar donde la compr�. Molesto, la tira encima del mostrador de quien se la vendi�, diciendo:
“�Compadre, esta radio es una porquer�a!”
“�C�mo dice? �Qu� usted no quer�a una radio en la que se escucharan todas las emisoras?”
“�S�, pero no todas juntas!”, contesta indignado
Three Boys
Three young boys were sitting on the sidewalk one day looking at (3) cars across the street. One of them said;when I grow up I want to be a doctor so I can make lots of money and buy myself a car just like that red corvette. Second boy replied; when I grow up I want to be a lawyer and make more money, so I can buy myself a car just like that black mercedes.Third boy said; you are both crazy.When I grow up I want to have HAIR ALL OVER MY BODY!The other(2) boys looked puzzled and asked why? Third boy replied; well my sister only has a little patch right between her legs, and she owns all (3) of those cars.
Knock Knock 80
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hal!
Hal who?
Hal about Eve!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Haley!
Haley who?
Haleyen Nation!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Halibut!
Halibut who?
Haliburt a kiss sweetheart!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Halifax!
Halifax who?
Halifax you if you fax me!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Handel!
Handel who?
Handel with care!