Llega Andr�s Pastrana a una

Llega Andr�s Pastrana a una reuni�n con su gabinete a las 2:30 am.

“Se�ores… �Renuncio! Me voy de este pa�s lleno de pobreza, guerrilla y criticones…”

Toma un respiro y ante la mirada at�nita de todo su gabinete sigue:

“Me lleg� una carta de Bush donde me dice que me va a nombrar asesor en el Medio Oriente”.

Pastrana saca un sobre sellado y estampado ‘TOP SECRET’ (como en las pel�culas de esp�as) y lo tira al centro de la mesa del despacho. Uno de sus asesores, a�n sin haberse recuperado de la sorpresa, toma el sobre; saca la carta que contiene; la lee y, aguantando la risa, se dirige al Se�or Presidente:

“�Eh, Andr�s! Aqu� no dice que te van a nombrar asesor en Medio Oriente. El presidente Bush dice que te va a mandar un asesor para que te medio oriente…”

Dead Frog

A child walks into a whore house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have.

She looks down at him for a few moments and replies “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you….If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for.”

The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats “I want the most diseased woman you have.”

She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him “I can’t, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to.”

The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have. A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments.

As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way.

Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind. As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him.

“Excuse me, but I have on question before you go…what is the dead frog for?

Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain.

“I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man…And that’s the Son of a Bitch who ran over my pet frog.”

Submitted by Spyked4105
Edited by Curtis and Tantilazing

Bathroom buttons

A man was flying on an airplane and needed to take a shit. He
went to the back of the airplane and noticed that the man’s
washroom had a big line and the woman’s had no line. He went to
the flight attendant and asked, “Could I quickly use the woman’s
washroom?” “Yes, but don’t touch any of the buttons.” The flight
attendant said. The man entered and saw a button labelled W. He
pushed it and water got sprayed on his ass. This is great, he
thought. He saw a button labelled BP. He pushed it and he got
his buns powdered. Perfect, he thought. The man saw a third
button labelled ATR. He pushed it and he fainted. The next thing
he knew, he was on a stretcher. The flight attendant looked down
at him and said, “I told you not to push the automatic tampon
remover.”

Top Ten Things

Top Ten Things Engineering School didn’t Teach You

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except
the complex math, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab
every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it’s a documentary.

What is his occupation?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.””That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.””Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

Questions and answers about Mad Cow disease

Q. If I drink milk from an infected cow, will it harm me?
A. Of course not. I drink 5 glasses of milk a day and it doesnt bither me a bot. I am the same today as I was tomorrow.

Q. So how can I tell if I am infected from this meat?
A. They say memory is affected. What was your question?

Q. What can you do with infected cattle? Killing them seems so inhumane.
A. Well I have 6 in my backyard and they think they are a herd of geese.

Q. Is it true the infected cows come from Canada?
A. Let’s listen to the cows and see….. Eh Mooo eh moo, eh meow

Q. Are there any infected cows in Quebec?
A. Again let’s listen…. Le Moo, Le Moo, Le meow

Q. Can this disease be sexually transmitted?
A. Buddy if you ask this question, switch to sheep.

Q. How can you detect Mad cow disease in a bull?
A. He would be the one wearing high heels.

Hong Kong Film translations

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.3. Gun wounds again?4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!7. How can you use my intestines as a gift?8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!12. You daring lousy guy.13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?And finally…18. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

20 years?!?!?!?!?!?!??

There was a couple that was married for 20 years, and every time
they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the
lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She
figured she would break him out of his crazy habit. So one
night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned
on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
dildo. She gets completely upset.
“You impotent bastard, ” she sreamed at him, ” how could you be
lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly “
I’ll explain the dildo….if you explain our three kids.”